Crafty Biz

Last Saturday night I did something people have been telling me to do for years - I put my handmade crafty stuff up for sale. Not just online, but face to face. With actual customers. Who may or may not like what I produced out of the depths of my heart. I had the chance to participate in ModShop, a local craft fair. Umm. Woo.

I was most afraid that people would walk right by, completely uninterested in my thoughtfully made wares and display.

I was second most afraid that people would pick up my thoughtfully and carefully made items and say, "She wants that for $THAT?? 

I was third most afraid that people would pick up my thoughtfully, carefully, and skillfully made items and say, "Oh! I see how she did that, I could totally make that at home for cheaper."

But you know what? People loved my stuff. It was awesome. It was gratifying and cathartic. They ooed and aaawed and bought. Six years of wondering, one night of answer after answer after answer. Sooo good.

And I made bank considering the investment capital, which is super awesome.

Sometimes one must celebrate the good times. That is all.

Oh! And I totally got to be on the news! 5.5 seconds of fame ya'll.

Slow Motion

In a little bit of love with these lyrics and the sound.

Fresh

"He wrote with the freshness of the presence of Jesus Christ Himself," John Whorall, describing the writings of Thomas Watson.

Sometimes I write that way, but sometimes I don't. I'm currently enjoying a long weekend of solitude and silence. My husband looks forward to this deer hunting trip all year. He and several friends hire a mule team to pack them into the backwoods of the Sierras. They really are far removed from the Valley at this point. I'm happy for him. He is talented at his chosen career and enjoys great successes there. He is loved deeply by family and friends and I know he feels it. But in the wilderness, he is unleashed. He is free.

I wish I could read myself half so well. You see, I'm of an analytical breed. We like to ponder, about ourselves along with everything else in life. I've been encouraged to take personality tests and compare my thoughts about myself to the thoughts of others about me, finding some balance in between the two. As often happens with introverts, the ways in which I see myself vary greatly from the ways in which others see me. It takes a lot of conversation to make the two understandings harmonious. I realize I'm beginning to sound a bit pretentious, and that's ok. For all the thinking, questioning, and breaking down into bits, I still have few real perceptions about who and how I am.

"Know thyself."

"The unexamined life is not worth living."

Quotes such as these have danced in my head for years. I'm sure I'm not alone in that process. It's like I've been going through a midlife crisis since I was 17. Haha. For all the bits and pieces I cannot synthesize them into one homogenous understanding of myself. One that allows me to step forward, embracing my abilities and inabilities alike. I want to be free. I think I might have told you that a person dear to my heart said, "You're like a bud that needs to bloom, but is holding itself shut with all its might." But what is that bond that I'm placing on myself? With what am I holding myself in?

I'm enjoying a study that I've just begun with some ladies from my church. It's a study through experiencing various spiritual disciplines. We started with becoming aware of our desires, because desire leads us to God, in the end. If we stick with the day to day wants and needs, they drive us into awareness of deeper longings, which in turn pull us into our deepest desire - intimacy with God. I completely agree. But trying to apply this to myself gets tricky, especially when I think about how little I actually know about myself in the long run.

I didn't know where to start. I'm not even in tune with the things that I really want. I know what I tell everyone I want. I want to be a mom. "If you were the blind man on the side of the road calling out to Jesus, and He turned to you and asked you "What do you want me to do for you?" what would you want?" So, in the end I just made a list of the things I desire. In the order by which the thoughts came:

I want a job that I enjoy and feel skilled at.
I want my mother in law back.
I want my mom and brother to live close to me.
I want my husband to know how loved he is.
I want to be creative and share my creations with others.

and last...after about 5 minutes of thinking...

I want to know if we're going to have children.

I didn't even say "I want kids" or "I want to be a mom" - I said I want to know if we're going to have kids. Weird.

After praying and asking God to make the necessary things clear to me, He helped me realize that I deeply desire a sense of freedom and value. I want to move through life with an easy grace. I want to love without holding back. To be generous without worrying if I have enough to give (of myself, my time, and so on). To trust that I am enough, even in my imperfections.

Why do I so intensely feel like I need to understand myself? Why can't I just be happy sitting in the presence of God who loves me, and enjoy being known by Him?

Maybe then I will always write with the freshness of the presence of Jesus Christ.