a matter of preference

so i took this photo while stopping off in fresno. actually, i took a few to capture the moment. these two are slightly different. the birds aren't in the same places.

in order to truly capture the moment i ought to have taken a little video. the birds were just squawking and screeching and.

what's really interesting to me is the editing. not like there's much of a process - plug in the camera and fiddle around with random photo options. but some form of editing still.

i like the top more. i made it that way on purpose.

the bottom one is the truth. it really was a deep blue sky fading to dusk.

the top one is a lie. it's a version of what happened, rather.

i can't help but wonder
[because i'm a wonderer]
if even tiny editing choices affect us in the long term.

if i edit every photo

- add color, take it away, snuff out minor errors, and such -
does it make me increasingly prone to edit my life in such a way?

i mean, if i create a habit of editing my memories to be
exactly
how i want to remember them...
will that mindset spread to the way i look at my life in general?

maybe.

also, maybe not.

hrmmm. off to chesterton.

ps. is it strange that i made a color coded schedule for the upcoming semester?

i'm feeling Moody

some randomish photos to go with the randomish songs i'm listening to these days. enjoy. take it with a grain of salt. better make it a handful of salt.

'i could tell that you wanted to. jump in the pool. jump in the pool. i looked to you. i knew you wanted to. jump in the pool. jump in the pool.' jump in the pool, friendly fires, friendly fires.

bri and i.

'we'll leave, she said...and i don't mind leaving you without a long goodbye. maybe i won't miss you when i'm gone. but darling you know to leave your light on.' honeyhoney.

katie boo and me too.

'you still make me cry. like a song of the east. that loses its center. but always finds its way back home. oh how this bird has flown.' i'll forget you, corner of an endless road, lior.

mitchelllll.

'too too too fast. too too too fast. when i look in your eyes. too too too fast too too too fast. tell me what am i supposed to do, when i look in your eyes?' too fast, the rhumb line, ra ra riot.

'it was obviously nothing but annoying to [him], but i just wanted to reach out and touch it. i wanted to reach out and touchit and reach out and touch it, so i reached out and touched it, and [he] quick stood up and punched me in the arm.' kimmel, a girl named zippy, [37].

my cousin kyle.

'i've just seen a face. i can't forget the time or place where we just met. [he's] just the [boy] for me and i want all the world to see we've met.' i've just seen a face, the beatles.

caleb douglas urena.

'there's more to knowing Me than what meets your eyes. I am more than what you think 'theology' you get from using reason. I'm seated in your heart and know you deeply through your will and your emotions. so learn from example and love Me come what may. and then I will enter your heart and resonate.' know me, me.

christmas morning sky.

night drive. gotye.
to.
'if we sit here in silence the rain will never come...and these unspoken words are swimming in our bellies drowning [infatuation].' honeyhoney.
bah.

my eye, approximately three years ago.

ok. finally time for bed. sweet dreams.

shiny things [and people]

can be distracting.

can be beautiful.

can be enticing.

can be fun.

can be ensnaring.

can be delightful.

can be amusing.

can be inspiring.

can be irritating.

but when do things stop being shiny?

rather, what happens when things stop being shiny?

and, will i ever get tired of letting my focus be stolen?

is someone wrong just because he's shiny?

or am i wrong, because i allow myself to be infatuated too easily?

bah.

will i ever be able to love God and a man simultaneously?

can we go back to being friends after expressing romantic interest?

grrr. shiny things. grrrr shiny people. isn't life supposed to be easy? [heh]

honey do, oh ah ah, honey don't.

a line from a beatles song. being home always reminds me of dad. i like that. in fact, while riding amtrak here, my computer started flashing old photos. i have a whole album of only my dad's life. we used it in the memorial service actually. two and a half years later, it's not as jarring. it used to happen, and i'd feel totally freaked out, but now, it's much more pleasant.

so, i spent the day with children, and it was awesome. every ridiculous story i've heard about these kids is totally true. they are insane. they are up in each others' business, tattling...general ridiculousness. we sang a lot of christmas songs. we decorated gingerbread houses. we watched polar express. i feel like i made 15 new miniature human friends. mmm mini humans.

a non miniature human friend, a new friend, let me know that he might be moving away soon. this makes me sad. but it does not inhibit my desire to be totally open in the way we relate. i want to continue getting to know him and i want him to continue getting to know me. this seems like one of those opportunities to pull back and avoid being hurt, or to love freely [love in a God way, not necessarily a romantic way, no worries ;] and chance the pain. i choose chance.

speaking of hurt. one of the reasons i started writing on this blog again is because i was going through a frustrating break up slash life change. well, i feel like it's come full circle. [although i do still plan on blogging.] i got to have the most amazing, healing conversation with that exact old boyfriend. it didn't dredge up the romantic feelings. it did, though, give both of us an opportunity to ask for forgiveness for specific, deeply painful hurts. only God can offer that kind of healing.

i don't think we even really want that kind of healing until God becomes real to us. we crave it, but find ourselves ill-equipped to pursue it.

hrmmm. i think i'm done spewing thoughts for today.

one of my homes

mmmm. what is it about familiarity? about warmth? about coziness and laughter that flows like...like...something that flows sweetly and melodiously. harmoniously really.

sitting here with friends, having spent a day falling back into step, i'm utterly content. while i know life is not, in fact, about contentment i think its only right to acknowledge and appreciate a feeling of home. we're just sitting around in this room, sharing stories and memories, making plans for dinner in a few days. like we used to do. only, everything is different. not one of us is remotely who we were when we began these relationships.

even in this contentment, though, i already miss new friends. and my family. i'll see them soon, though. it's got to be okay to stay in this state of peace for a while. appreciate the moment.

off to go appreciate.

ps - i ate a very hot chili pepper today. because i was dared to. i only had to spend the next 20 minutes with a burning mouth. but i won respect...hehe.

do it.

so, the Bible is awesome, but what to we do with it?

treat it as God's actual word? as if He had spoken to us audibly?

read it and dismiss it?

pick out our favorites and leave the rest?

there's a ton of stuff in the Bible that i just don't know what to do with.

what do i do with my favorite Scriptures, taken in context - when i realize i've taken them poorly?

what do i do with the stuff that says, 'women should not speak in church'???????

i just re-read 1 corinthians. and it's so different than i remember it being. it's new.

if you're not reading whole books at a time, try it sometime and see if it makes a difference. do it. you know you wanna.

revolution.

in a completely and utterly unrelated thought. is it okay to think someone is 'devastatingly handsome' and also think dating that person may be unreasonable for a number of factors? just because someone is generally wonderful, does it mean i should make an effort to 'be' with that person? more mysteries. less profound. pretend i ended with the Bible stuff. ha.

no more fall

it's official. it's winter. there's snow. and it's cold. so cold. so, so cold. i can't decide if it's my hopeless optimism [ooooh] or a quantifiable difference - but this is different than foggy, wet, california cold. i mean, it'd just plain frigid here. but i love it. it's a manageable cold. i know that if i put the proper clothing on, it will all be fine. hrmmm. i wonder why 20 degrees feels more manageable than 50 and foggy? weird.

so, as i was walking home in the cold just the other day, i was asked directions by someone in a [warm] car! and i knew what to say. i knew how to direct her. how cool. you want to know the best part though? she had the words "psychic reader" on the side of her car! no kidding...

i can't believe it's already been a semester! time has flown by. i feel like God used my indecision about life in general to ready my heart for being here. it's hard to be away from family and friends, but i feel...hrmmm..right about being here. it felt completely foreign and unreal even 5 months ago, but now. now i feel at home here too! it doesn't diminish california home either. it was wonderful to go home to california and visit for thanksgiving. but it was breath-taking to walk up to my apartment building and see it all covered in snow. knowing that i reside there. maybe 'abide' is a good word? maybe not.

four exciting things:

1. i met my dear friend's baby over thanksgiving! and he's sooooo cute. ridiculously cute.
2. i'll be working in food service at school. preparing food and getting it out into the dining room. i'm not sure why i'm so excited to work there, but i am.
3. i'll also be working as a faculty assistant for a super awesome prof here. he's working on a commentary covering psalms and proverbs and i might even get to edit/type for him!
4. i get to sing a song at church tomorrow! so excited. pray that i don't puke or something beforehand. mmmmm. delicious. ha! eeew.

music

usually, my ability to create music is intimately related to my level of depression...or...'downness' if i'm able to make music, and write lyrics, then it very nearly necessarily follows that i'm sad. about something, nothing really, everything. but the last couple of weeks have been different.

thanks to the ever amazing dr. j in hermeneutics, i was thinking about how fun it would be to take a psalm and set it to music. i know, i know, not the most original thing in the world. BUT you don't understand. when i write, i'm usually despairing anyway. so why bother with lyrics? just take some good old-fashioned biblical despair and add some interesting production. so that's a project in progress and i'm quite excited to see where it will end up.

and then highly trusted fellow musician asks me to sing a song with him. how exciting! so we worked on it on sunday and he mixed and mixed and mixed. throw in a little violin and it's pretty decent stuff. and not depressing at all.

so...my final comment is....yay God. yay God for reclaiming the creativity you endowed me with and turning it for your glory, instead of vanity.

couldn't take it

okay, so i couldn't take it anymore. the hanging, open intimate kisses crossed the line. and other people in the room were visibly distracted.

so, as gently as possible. i said, "hey guys. do you go to moody? that's great. it would be awesome if you could tone down the kissing and stuff, just, 'cause we're in public. oh! i go to the grad school, otherwise i probably wouldn't have said anything.'

and to their credit, or God's rather, they totally stopped. and they even started studying.

oooh, i guess i'd better start studying now that my excuse for distraction is gone! ha.

keep it to yourself

so i was just wondering about something. where exactly is the line between being rude, being honest, and bearing annoying circumstances in patience?

okay, we're at last night. i get totally wrapped up in writing a song and am up fairly late. but my neighbors get back just after i finally settle in to go to sleep. and, i feel confident saying that they are not happy. in the slightest. there is crying. there is screaming. i kid you not. he called some other girl. she is furious. she screams a lot about being "played" and yells "don't you shhhhh me! don't YOU SHHHH ME!!!!" too many times to count. at 3:30 in the morning.

after trying to be distracted and praying for them for over half an hour, i start getting a stomach ache. like i am the one in the argument.

i figure this is the line. so i literally pound on the wall about 5 times and they shut up.

the only thing that's keeping me from writing the girl a note and offering a listening ear [during daylight hours] is wondering whether or not that crosses the bigger line.

and now, i'm at a coffee shop sort of trying to study. there's a guy reading nearby. pretty common scene. except that there are two young moody couples here. and by moody, i mean they're undergrads at the school we all attend. they're giggling. laughing. playing trivia loudly. touching each other. kissing. making jokes about sex.

they're here because they can behave differently than they can at the coffee shop on campus. well, at least that's my take. but they're being SO vocal about where they go to school, what Bible classes they want to take, and they're tossing around the name God like it's going out of style.

instead of calling that the line and talking to them, i'm writing a blog. i don't feel like chastising these kids. i don't even feel like being gentle and befriending them to communicate kindly that they're representing moody, themselves, and most of all God quite poorly.

seriously though, who am i to comment on their lives? i have no relational basis to say a word to them, i don't even know them.

maybe i'm the one with the problem? am i just too sensitive? i feel like i should be more tolerant. hrmmm. what does it look like to love people well, without excusing behavior?

i heart ca

that's what my shirt says. that's what my heart says. it's so hard to be away from material familiarity. i'm not really 'homesick' anymore, but i do miss knowing people well and being known well. even my most intimate chicago relationships are not terribly so. getting there though.

hippie time helps. a few women in the grad school get together and we just spend some time relating in real, new testament friendships. and that's refreshing. prayer, sharing a Word, talking about our endless 'epiphanies' in the Lord. hardly any structure and certainly no due dates. no quenching of the Spirit with bad attitudes. it's fantastic.

on a vaguely related, but mostly separate note...emotions are ridiculous and beautiful. i used to pretend that being a woman didn't matter and that i had the same emotions as a man. [i'd still like to pretend that, but am slowly owning up to the fact that i am affected by my biology] the thought of being tied to some 'curse' was just plain terrible. i think i mostly just didn't want to admit defeat. i'm coming to realize though, that i should just frame the issue differently [ha.] - as one of 'carrie emotions.' not 'how should i classify my emotions based on my gender or whether or not i'm pms?' [fyi - pmsing is my least favorite phrase on the face of the earth. except for "you have been weighed and found wanting"] a good friend used to refer to "carrie land" when i was being distinctly emotional.

well folks, [and by folks, i mean myself...], here's the deal. carrie land exists. let's admit it. sometimes i feel so emotionless it scares me and other times i cry for reasons unbeknownst even to me. who cries after eating a cupcake and talking about the concept of politics with a decent pal, trying to drink coffee [except that it was way too hot]?? people that reside in carrie land. that's who. people who won't let go of pedantic infatuation. that's who.

why do i look at others, seeing them as amazingly made in the image of God - but look at myself as this messed up thing to be corrected? it's not always this bad, but at this moment, i'm really struggling with seeing myself through God's 'cristo vision.' grrrr.

it really is just this moment though, i think. at least, i hope i won't keep clutching these insecurities thru my whole life. and most days, i don't cry after eating cupcakes. that's not how i roll.

i just have to let my deepening relationships grow. and live in the tension.

and try to not be a terrific ball of neuroses.

answered prayers

there's this assignment that i have to complete in about a month. the prof calls it a 'mini-ethnography.' [oh little mini-ethnography, you're so cute, oh yes you are, you little itty bitty baby mini-ethnography...] basically, i have to interview someone about his or her life, but not just anyone. it needs to be someone who is of a drastically different life experience, namely ethnicity, socio-economic background, and creed. this poses a itty bitty baby problem for me.

although the grad school is quite diverse regarding the first two main factors, we all speak to the same belief system, so all my awesome international friends are out. as that is my main connection to other people...hrmmm. also, can't turn to my church - they all believe things similar to me as well.

so you see my problem.

as a 'good' christian, how do i solve this dilemma? i turned to my Lord, Jehovah-Jireh [My Provider] and asked Him to put someone in my life who's just super different than me. and guess what? last night i ran into my neighbor with an accent as he was heading out for a drink [at about 11:30p]. ever so brief, he invited me out and i declined but said i hoped his evening would go well.

which brings us up to this a.m. i'm at the coffee shop counter waiting for a fellow moodiite [moody-ight] to show up so we can study the things of God all day long [enjoying coffee, tea, pumpkin pie, and 'free' wi-fi]. who do i run into? my neighbor with an accent. a bulgarian accent - born and raised. not only this, but he's an atheist! with a little bit of bad church experience under his belt as well! [although in his words, 'no, he wasn't molested by a catholic priest or anything, nothing traumatic]. could God have more graciously and abundantly answered my prayer? wow! i asked him [formally] if we could have the mini-ethnography conversation and i promised him i wouldn't try to convert him. ha. the itty bitty baby mini-ethnography is on...

and so God answered my prayer! thank you God for being my Jehovah-Jireh.

---

so, i've been thinking again. [i feel like i'm confessing sin when i say that.]

i've been thinking about the purpose of prayer. maybe i didn't change God's mind. i mean, it seems like most of us think that we need to ask God to do a certain thing, to bring our case before Jehovah-Jireh and ask the Giver to allocate some funds, some people, some timely material blessings. whatever it is, we ask God for it, because He tells us He is our Provider and that if He dresses the lillies of the field beautifully, how much more will He do for us?

there's not a thing wrong with believing in God as our Provider - He tells us straight out that's part of who He is. but i think there's something wrong with my perception of prayer. especially supplicative prayer.

what if, the spiritual action that happened when i prayed for God to provide a mini-ethnography interviewee was not that:

'i convinced God to give me something He wasn't planning on.'

or even the more normal concept that

'i asked and so God provided in His sovereignty.'

what if what really happened is that

in His foreknowledge, God prepared my heart by means of my prayerful desire, to be opened to seeing His will play out.

it's kinda like this: God planned before time that bulgaria and i would meet in the hall last night and then again this morning - and my prayer didn't change the outcome, it changed my heart. so i could recognize the hand of God moving as He had already planned.

it changes my prayer from an action of me.

to an action of God in my life.

am i crazy?

tarred [and feathered]

i'm tired. life has been pretty calm for the last couple months. hardly any stress, hardly any commitments. but now...we're getting to 'that' time of the semester, when due dates start flying by faster than a jet airplane. yay!

i think i'm so tired because i'm shifting into a new gear. like when a car shifts into a new gear. sometimes the transmission gets a little sticky. it's exciting, but kinda sticky.

tonight, i'm tired for an excellent reason, though. birth control. well, if what i mean is, i babysat SIX babies under the age of 2 tonight [luckily another lady stayed to help, and even that was tough!]. it was just for a couple hours and it was super fun. but wowsas. if that doesn't help me develop purely platonic relationships with men, i don't know what will! hah!

mmmmm. time to get on a bus and get into bed.

naps

so i've been thinking for the last few years that the worst halves of days are ones when i take a nap because 'something exciting' is going to happen later on and i need to have energy. they are the worst, because the 'something exciting' never lives up to its hype.

today, i took a long nap because i was exhausted and was kinda planning on 'something exciting' going on.

results pending.

fending off hopelessness.

a weak off

hrmmm. so, i've got a week off school, well, classes. and i have lots of goals for this week off. i want to pull through strong - like all the chicago marathoners this morning. [the whole city was excited about it. kinda neat sense of togetherness.]

i've been looking at the list of things i still need to get done this semester, and i need to finish strong. as opposed to weak. end pun.

so back to that sense of togetherness. there is a strange sense of comradery here. [is comradery a word? am i spelling it wrong? we've got some red underline going on...] everyone feels like a stranger and a neighbor at the same time. maybe all cities feel this way if lived in long enough? i wonder if this sense of togetherness will last through the winter? huh. i wonder if it's a summertime only special feeling?

there are so many gems around this city. riding the el is the best way to be exposed to new places. the trains are elevated, so it's not like a subway system. on cta trains, i get to see all sorts of old buildings, cool streets, nearby stores and on and on. some awesome discoveries, though, are literally right around the corner.

i think "my" discovery of the last few weeks is this place called noble tree. [my is in quotes because it's another josh find, passed on to moi]. if i were to open a coffee shop, it would be very similar to this one. with less 'interesting' art on the walls. books everywhere. second hand furniture. multiple stories. fantastic. i'm going to go watch the office while i have a strong internet connection ;)

leadership and its consequences

so, this concept of leadership is a hot button issue for me right now.

traditionally, a leader seems like...'the person in charge.'

but every class i'm in, the prof alludes to the fact that we're all leader type people if we're in the class.  just because i'm studying at moody, does that make me a 'leader'? in a related way, does that make me a good leader? i think not.

historically speaking, when i am put into positions with official leadership titles, i turn into a big fat jerkface.  i get "busy" all the time.

"hey carrie, how are you? did you get my call last week?"

"yah, i'm so sorry. i've just been really busy lately! i've gotta go take care of *insert random, probably unnecessary task*"

people who accept extra responsibilities also accept extra care loads for extra people.  it's not just about me and the few folks i truly love.  my domain of folks to love well opens up quite a bit. and i just have a tendency to fail.

when my schedule is open, my heart is open.  when i have titles, my heart shuts, and i go into "create busy-ness" mindset right away.  it's like i lose my ability to function organically in relationships.

the only reason i've come to this awareness is because i'm currently getting the busy signal from my "peer mentor."  i didn't ask for this relationship, someone dumped it on this lady. i've got a number of ladies i'm getting connected with now, so why must we try to force this "peer mentor" relationship to happen?  yet, every time i see her...

"hey *insert name of carrie's peer mentor*! good to see you, how are you?"

"*grabs carrie's hand in a loving manner* Oh sweetie i'm just so busy! oh, but we need to spend some time together, i'm so curious about who you are and how you're adjusting to moody."

"[really?? because you mostly just seem too busy to care about me...nor am i really asking you to care about me....why are we forcing this to happen??] Oh, I'm doing well, sometimes homesickness is a bit much, and there's more work than i thought there would be, but mostly ok. *notices peer mentor's eyes darting around hallway and glancing down at watch* well, i guess i'll let you go!"

"Ok, but we really do need to hang out.  i'll call you about coffee sometime!"

with a flurry, out the door. am i mad at her? not in any manner of speaking.  she's a wonderful woman, but she's too darn busy to add another forced, meaningful relational tie to her schedule.  is it a little painful to be mildly rejected after the mild hope of being mentored? sure.

funny how it takes being the one hurt, to realize how much hurting i've done to other people.  it kinda sucks. and there's another gush. uh oh, i hope this isn't going to turn into a blog phase. into a gushing blog phase...hrmmm.

super unfascinating, unless you're me

i had to take a personality slash spiritual gifts inventory.

they've got me pegged. largely.

italicized words should be interpreted as "ow ow ow ow, that hurts so true!"

if it's italicized and bolded, then i cringed to death inside when i read it.

i wonder...do you agree?

Carrie's "D" tendencies seem to be:
Demanding , Asserting, Decisive , Sure , Certain, Confident , Self-reliant, Serious , Unwavering, Direct , To the point, Bottom line , Straight-forward

Carrie's "I" tendencies seem to be:
Promoting , Encouraging, Talkative , Verbal

Carrie's "S" tendencies seem to be:
Peaceful , Calm, Considerate , Thoughtful, Contented , Satisfied

Carrie's "C" tendencies seem to be:
Law-abiding , Conscientious, Calculating , Analytical, Contemplative , Thinker, Pondering , Wondering, Preparing , Researching, Inquisitive , Questioning


Carrie's "D" tendencies are not very:
Bold , Daring, Winner , Competitive

Carrie's "I" tendencies are not very:
Outgoing , Active, Playful , Fun-loving, Trusting , Gullible , Open, Hyper , Energetic, Smooth talker , Articulate, Entertaining , Clowning, Animated , Expressive, Merry , Cheerful, Dynamic , Impressing, Peppy , Playful, Inducing , Charming, Exciting , Spirited, Responsive , Reacting

Carrie's "S" tendencies are not very:
Pleasing , Good-natured, Flexible , Adaptable , Agreeable, Steady , Dependable, Timid , Soft-spoken

Carrie's "C" tendencies are not very:
Compliant , Goes by book

it's a funny thing.

i'm just sitting right now.  well, and typing. and waiting for my libronix library to fully install. it's taking forever and day.  [libronix is the data library for an AMAZING program called Logos.  i can look at the original greek and hebrew of the Bible on it. insanity embodied.]

so, since i'm just sitting, i think i'm going to do what i haven't done in a while. i'm going to gush.  not about silly things or sarcastic things or things that annoy me. the gushes will be about several different aspects of my heart and soul, so you should stop reading if you don't want to read my gushing.

[in no significant order. simply stream of consciousness really.]

gush #1

boys. they're everywhere. i can't get away from them, even buried under all these christian theological books.  my gush is this, i get amazingly infatuated really [really] easily. this is NOT productive. by no means is this productive, i mean.  by no means.  sometimes, i'm so easily infatuated that i find myself wondering if i'm even capable of recognizing lasting love when it meanders by.  God is faithful, He will bring His will to pass.  great truth slash cliche, but does that prevent me from alienating men by asking too many questions?  does it prevent me from alienating women by being the girl who chases male 'friendships' above them?  i'd like to claim 'inquisitive nature' - but realistically, it happens more frequently with guys.  maybe i just find guys more interesting. oh well.

gush #2

justice. captivity.  Here's my gush.  i'm terribly surprised at how metaphorically i've understood my faith.  God's heart is for the needy, the broken, the captive. i'm the needy. i'm the broken. i'm the captive. at heart. but in no way can i classify my real life and growing up experience as 'captive.'  i went to this concert last night, and it broke my heart to realize how blind i am.  there are real women. in real sex slave trades. there are real children being used and abused for labor is things too disgusting to mention.  is this not the fast i choose...to free the captive and care for the needy? what will it take to bring my heart from sympathy to compassion - compassion unto action??

wow, that's all the gush i've got. i'm going for a walk. i most likely love you if you're reading this. [guys that are reading this, don't take that the wrong way, just take it in a christian way]. thanks for reading a bit of my gushy heart.

*sneezes*

the raspy throat.

the wet nose.

the shortness of breath.

the glassy eyes.

the sneezy, spewy, coughing man on the bus last night.

yeah. i'm getting my first chicago cold.

just thought you'd like to know.

don't drink the water

at the Wonderland Salvation Army Camp in Wisconsin...eek! everything they cooked tasted like sulfur. the fountain drinks? sulfur. the toilet water? sulfur. the shower water? sulfur.

that hiccup aside, this weekend was scandalously refreshing. i went up expecting to stay up late with everyone, bonding and telling stories and giggling about how that cute guy really 'loves the Lord' [he must be a good Christian...] and while some of that happened, it was much more deep soul refreshment.

the music worship was alright from a human standpoint. but it was pure.

the food was alright from a human standpoint. but the fellowship was pure delight.

the beds were crammed in, 12 to a cabin. but hearing a few gals lifestories was pure joy.

the games were rowdy from my standpoint. so going to the lake and reading was pure peace.

not to mention the fact that i got to carpool up with some of the coolest people this side of the Rockies. and it's the first time i've been in a car in almost a months! crazy.

i definitely took a 2 hour nap after getting home though. whew.

a tale of two eateries

once upon a time, there was a young woman with a desire to eat mexican food in chicago.  having recently moved from the mexican-food-rich environment of the distant West Coast, this seemed like an attainable request.  in her meanderings on the vast one ways of downtown, she happened upon a tremendously mexican-themed restaurant.  alas, she had to attend a 3 hour class on practicing ministry [and writing proper mla format papers] before she could enjoy this gem.  little did she know how very, very inappropriate the term 'gem' would prove for this restaurant.

she and another foreigner who had survived the long class ventured out in pursuit of delicious mexican comida.  she ordered a torta with beans and rice whilst her accented friend thought it better to try the quesadillas [ever so disappointed that 'quesa'dillas come only with cheese, not with chicken].  after a heavy dinner discussion, the two left with stomachs full of mediocre mexican food.  in truth, once alone, she shed a single tear [only one] for the emptiness remaining in her soul regarding the desire for algo sabrosa. she was able to eek some sympathy out of a fellow sojourner from the glorious West.

the next day, she wandered alone up and down the city's streets...hoping she would happen upon delicious mexican food. and then she saw it. not mexican...but a beautifully lit sign "paella" shining brightly forth.  flipping an immediate 'u' she headed toward this beacon in the midday.  glory was sure to await her.  oh, that it did.  no disappointment to be found here. not a bit. perhaps, not mexican in nature, but certainly resonant as the more sophisticated iberian motherland...this beautiful restaurant offered the peace of mouth she longed for.  she sat for hours, reading a fantastic book, served by a wonderful server [stephanie], and eating the most delicious vegetarian paella of all time.  had she taken some moments to imagine the possible deliciousness of paella, she would never have achieved the savory heights offered by this amazing food.  way to be on that gas stove enrique. way to be.

so ridiculously amazing. just, ridiculously amazing. my mouth is nearly watering, thinking about how delicious this food was. is, really. the leftovers are in my fridge and i can't wait to delve into all that fantastic-ness.

yeah, i know i need some new words. maybe i should buy a cool shower curtain.

utterly amazing.

 had two utterly amazing moments today. i will share them both with you, though i doubt you will feel the same impacting amazingess.

utterly amazing moment #1

the realization that there are other men in the world who treat people as...people. namely women with whom he is not in a 'dating relationship'. i had only met one man like this up until today. at least as the direct object of the 'being treated as a person though we're not dating.' way to go God for growing men of this caliber. i know that i am safe with these two men. safe to be real and honest without fear of being evaluated for 'wife material.' that's a nasty habit of christian men.

i'm not saying that more of these men do not exist, i'm just saying i've not experienced more than these two [fantastic] situations in the first person.

utterly amazing moment #2

a very normal looking, young, black mother hopped on the bus today and sat down next to me, toting her adorable little girl alongside [perhaps 2 1/2 yrs?]  over the next, let's say, 15 minutes, i saw this child demonstrate the brilliancy of God and humanity.  or maybe it's God in humanity?  it went like this:

carrie smiles..........child smiles bigger

carrie waves..........child looks awkwardly at own hand and suddenly waves

                      ..........child laughs with delight

carrie holds up fist..........child looks awkwardly at own hand and suddenly hold up fist

carrie smiles with surprise..........child holds up fist again and smiles brilliantly

carrie makes fist and opens palm..........child opens and closes fist

                                                          ..........child opens palm and reaches out

carrie reaches out with open palm

                                                            ..........child gently places palm on carrie's open palm

carrie smiles as big as possible..........child gleams with delight

i was watching this child learn, watching the result of her God-given brain building new pathways to accomplish particular goals. it was UTTERLY AMAZING.

hope these moments of utterly amazingness strike your fancy. make it a good one my loves.

oh, La

'oh la, we've got a lot to learn from each other,

we have got to stick together.'

Ra Ra Riot do it. buy it. love it.

and then think of me fondly when you do.

on a different note.  if you've ever heard flight of the conchords 'inner city pressure' then you know where i'm coming from. there are some tough things [ish] about living alone in the city.

1. there's no one to do the clasp on my dresses. so i have to remain unclasped. scandalous.

2. there's no one to remember to turn on the light, so that it's not dark when i get home.

3. there's no one to make food for. besides me. but i'm a light eater. oh but i love to cook.

4. there's no one to feel sorry for me when i get blisters from wearing shoes with no socks in the rain.

5. most importantly, huggers are few and far between. boy, am i a hugger. it's a little awkward, hugging myself though. heh.

at least i'm not to selling my only chair, or wearing second-hand underpants.

ok, maybe i'm done with my pity party. ha.  can you identify at all though? really?

overall, it was a good day. i got a lot of work done, had some good conversations with home, and some nice person even cooked dinner for me. [no, i'm not complimenting myself in the 3rd person.]

exhausted, she went to sleep after all the wonderful things she had accomplished that day. [but now i am.]

hope this finds you well. as some would say. actually, i think i only know one person who says that.

dashing in the rain

i had my first real 'chicago' moment last night. let me set the scene.

rain.

pouring.

all day long.

no umbrella.

running to the bus stop.

waiting in the rain.

talking on the phone to 'home'

go to class.

be attentive.

engage.

20 minutes of prayer.

you are dismissed.

so, i was heading out beside my prof, thrasher, quickening my pace to match his. he's a man of God. he's a man of prayer, so i shared a request with him that's been weighing on me heavily. he responded graciously saying in an alabama drawl 'this buhden on ya heart is God's blessing carra' with a wave he jammed out the door to catch his own train home.

so now, the chicago moment. i looked out the double doors at the rain, quickly calculating the time it might take me to run to the bus stop, figuring in waiting at red lights.

rain + running + distance = wet.

rain + walking + distance = soaking wet.

it was a pretty simple decision, so i zipped up my thin hoodie and started running. [why do i not own an umbrella? because i'm from california and it's always sunny in CA]

somewhere between the figuring of the wetness, the zipping of the hoodie, and the getting drenched anyway, it happened. it hit me that i really live in chicago. i really go to moody. i really am running towards a bus stop where i really am going to use my unlimited bus pass to get to my real apartment.

i started crying. but it was raining. and they were tears of relief. relief in the realization that i'm a on a journey and God's all encompassing love will not ever let me down.

it was a beautiful chicago moment, dashing in the rain.

panic-attacking

is my new favorite thing. except not. i shouldn't discredit real panic attacks with my false claims of the panic attack state of being. but i am freaking out a little bit.

i knew grad school would be a lot of work. and it is. i think it's probably more work than i anticipated. but it'll be worth it.

a funny twist [spoken by a joisey accent] "hey keyrrie, doughn't choo kinna feel loike ya disappointin' Gahd if you fail these clayhsses?"

okay, his accent's not that strong, but he does have a point. i know [with my intellect] that i'm not 'letting God down' if i don't do well, or don't put enough energy into my classes...but there is a guilty feeling when i think things like "get more bible study/reading/work done at my apartment? or...go people watch at grant park and kinda sorta read? grant park."

maybe that's just part of my struggle, trying to earn God's approval and affection? thank goodness i can come to Him through Christ alone. with that said, i'm going to go read instead of write another blog. have you noticed that i'm writing more now that i have more work to do? perhaps that's just another part of my struggle. ha.

the rhumb line

i've no idea what a rhumb line is. i should look that up. in between hundreds of pages of reading. hrmmm. maybe i won't look it up. maybe i'll just enjoy the new ra ra riot release while reading.

on first listen, i wasn't a big fan. the songs that were on their ep were genius. it's rough, it's raw, but melodious and harmonious. it's the rumbling cello that gets me every time. there's something about the new recordings that don't sound the 'same' [duh? it's a new recording...] BUT once i listened to the songs not released on the ep...oh my goodness! fantasmagorically amazing. so good. try it! you'll like it!

i'll put three pennies down on the fact that the rhumb line is not a beach FULL to the BRIM with [as naked as possible] bodies. that was my day today. i went to the north beach...and it was packed. but i just laid out my towel, got out my book and music and made a day of it.

i was wondering. what qualifies as a date? if it's just two people of the opposite sex hanging out alone [amongst hundreds of other folk] at the beach, is it a date? i don't think so. i was in my own world between the music and reading.

he was supposed to get 'a buncha' on campus 'kids' to come with and head down to the [woata]...but everyone gave the 'are you kidding? i gotta study' rejection. this has happened a couple of other times. but i think it's just coincidence.

i enjoy his company [and his joisey accent] very much, but am not interested in being a girlfriend and don't want to take advantage of him. hrmmm. it's not that i want to play the field or anything, i just want to focus on taking all this God-knowledge to heart. i didn't think this would be an issue in the first two weeks of chicagoland living. oh well.

can a sister get an amen?

i don't want to sound too harsh, but i can pretty much tell whether i'm comfortable in a church by the first worship song.

am i expected to dance and jump?

is it a 7 by 70? the same seven words, 70 times?

is there an emphasis on sounding perfect?

and best of all, does the same song last for 12 minutes?

if so, i'm not comfortable there. this church is obviously not for me...

i'm glad God puts me in places where i'm not comfortable. like this morning. it reminds me of how universal and amazing he is. and how he's so much bigger than what i'm comfortable with. and how he reveals himself differently to different people. in all seriousness, i'm increibly happy that i spent most of the service this morning desperately wanting to plug my ears.

i was searching the preacher's words, waiting for a fallacy. and i certainly heard the gospel of success. but God does use our faults [like my judgmental scrutiny] and works good from them. like the reminder that faith is believe unto action.

do i believe in God's power enough to put that thought into action? relationships are two way, and it doesn't mean that i think i'm earning my salvation if i confess that faith without works is dead. james doesn't say that salvation without works is dead. he says faith without works is dead. faith, that daily reliance on God's grace to help us grow and change and see him for the Love that he is.

it's good to be uncomfortable. can a sister get an amen?

a blaze of glory

so i'm here. in chicago. and i love it. but i'm tired.

i'm tired of having my incompetence proven everytime a bus passes me mid-block.

i'm tired of waiting for random material goods to arrive in the mail.

i'm tired of everything being new.

but on the brighter side.

i'm excited that i have a horrible photo on my very own name badge [mine always end up looking like convict photos]. i'm excited that my school has wireless internet. wu. i'm excited that i've met a dozen or more new folks in my program. [people who are also excited about their name badges]. i'm excited that i watched stranger than fiction last night while putting together a lovely desk and chair set.  i'm excited that my apartment feels more like home.  oh. my. gosh. i'm actually even excited that i saw chris scoles?! i'm excited that even though i forgot paper, i remembered my computer, so i can still take notes. [i get to be the annoying clic-clic-clic sound maker!] i'm excited that it's not as hard to walk 2 miles as it was a week ago. i'm excited that i know how to get to target. i'm excited that even though two of my favorite mugs broke in transit, my printer works perfectly [except that i need cyan ink].  i'm excited that i have a job interview on thursday. i'm excited that i have class in about 20 minutes.

oh my. i have class in 20 minutes...i should go eat something, so that i can withstand the 3 hour lecture on biblical spirituality.

time capsule

so...am posting for the first time from my handy-dandy macbook. in large part, the best computer i've encountered in a long time. all sort of short cuts. 

i decided to try out the mail program. i should start by saying that i've never successfully used outlook on a pc. but this is a mac, so i thought it might be different. worth a shot anyway.

so i open the program, let it automatically do whatever it automatically does [macs seems to do everything automatically. a child could operate them with ease] and wait for my mail to arrive.

only, the 'new' e-mails that begin popping up are, oh...years old. a friend set up the e-mail account for me a couple of years ago and i've used it ever since. so, obviously i've deleted a lot of e-mails in that two year time frame. many deleted for good reason. i'm talking, business information, grad school inquiries, college church announcements, old transactions, and worst of all...embarrassingly flirtatious communications. eagerness for something that never came to fruition.

when i sign into my e-mail account using fantabulous safari, no such remnants of my past appear. long ago deleted, embarrassment forgotten. but this mail program just reminds me what a twit i really am. or at least have been.

i long for 'progress'. for the knowledge that i'm doing things well - whether relationships, business, school, or the other things life entails. don't we all? there is always the hope that we used to be worse, but now we're getting better. maybe that's why God didn't give us brains that remember everything. if my head worked as well as this obnoxious mail program...i'd never get anything done! i'd just sit around despising myself all day.

i just wanted to check my e-mail. but no. instead i am reminded of every embarrassing detail i tried to delete and forget. maybe this is when i have to ask God to help shut it off. not the program...my head. haha. what good is there in sitting around and feeling bad for things that i can't change?

so i said regrettable things to a boy. it's a working friendship now.

so i pitched business ideas that my bosses didn't believe in. it's their business.

so i gave up on grad school. i'm starting classes in two weeks because i eventually did apply.

so i forgot the meaning of church leadership. God is more real to me, and i'm less tired than either have been in a long time. 

perfectionists. whoosh. can't change the past. even if i could i'd probably not be happy with my choices. God's the only one with a nature big enough to harmoniously reconcile everything.

i'm going to go back some more boxes. and delete all those e-mails again.

liciousness in south central

the southern central valley, i mean.

okay, so mom and i went to a nearby shopping mecca [any town laying claim to more than mervyn's and wal-mart qualifies] to find a few necessary items.

stopped by the bookstore, returned something at costco [i like it when people call costco "costco's" - as though a person named costco is selling all of his or her goods in bulk orders] and picked up a couple of borrowed schwinns from aunt and uncle. nothing terribly out of the ordinary. interesting to see how the ol' town has grown, actually. stores are being built en masse and have been for years. growth, expansion. all in the name of progress. sure.

you may be wondering why 'liciousness' crept its way into my title if i'm just rambling about a shopping trip to another placeless town in the great cv. traveling down the road i thought i nearly thought i was hallucinating as i saw not one - but two businesses with 'licious' in their names. posted, [in plain sight], on their signage, and, I would assume, emblazoned on their county clerk business licenses as well. what in the world? one was some kind of operating car upholstery establishment while the other, 'doughnutlicious' [which will also be a teriyaki grill, thank goodness], will be coming in soon.

does the same creative person own both of these fantastically named joints? or did two different entities decide 'licious' was an enticing...adjective? suffix? what part of speech does 'licious' fall under, exactly? is it okay to add licious to anything? can we make licious an adverb? does it make you want to buy a teriyaki doughnut?

lovelicious?
computerlicious?
chocolatelicious - or should it be chocolicious?

how about we just add licious to all of our names, implying that we, in fact, are delicious just like doughnuts and car upholstery!

signing off before i ramble off the licious world of sanity,

yours, loveliciously,
carrielicious

ps - i suppose we should really thank beyonce for these business titles. so, thanks to the queen of bootyliciousness.

everyday delights

some things in life are so valuable. inexplicably so. like the joy of making kool aid for a 3 1/2 year old on a summer day.

i got to do that today, and it was so sweet to see her infinitely [yet momentarily] pleased by a small cup of sugar and dye. plus cats. she's got an adorable affinity for cats. utter delight, holding our drooling featherweight mental handicap of a 13 year old cat.

and then there's her mom. we've been friends for a decade now. [hrmm...how am i old enough to have had a mostly adult decade long friendship?] any friend who will tote a massively active 3 1/2 year old + accoutrement 1 hr. 20 minutes [round trip] at 6 months great with child just to visit - priceless.

everyday delights. what a generous God to give us all these moments of enjoyment.

oh, another delight of the day > a brother who rescued me from the clutches of an evil black widow in the garage. i walked out laboriously carrying a leaky jar of sun tea - right into a silky, sticky web of doom. she was just hanging there in the air. big brother came down and smashed that mutha ucka into goo. death escaped another day.

i leave you with words of wisdom from jermaine and bret: a kiss is not a contract, but it's very nice. very very nice.

dirt.

all flesh falls back to earth, to dirt.

here, at home, i'm struck with the physicality of the body.

[tan. white. bumpy. wrinkly. smooth. hairy. plump. thin. muscular. soft. hrmmm.]

struck with the physicality of aging. the concept of aging. here, in a house with my brother, my mother, and my grandmother. i'm struck with how the physical body changes over time.

my brother over twenty some years. my mother, through the eyes of my childhood, through the eyes of my semi-adulthood. my grandmother, still beautiful, but so different than her younger self.

what's more interesting to ponder, though, is the mental change that happens over time. the worldview, the self view. strange to think about.

plato dear?

so i've been thinking. [rare occasion, i know]

so i've been thinking about the importance of platonic love. 99.9% of the love in a person's life will be platonic in nature. why do we spend so much time trying to find the perfect romantic interest?

i have several very important Loves. though they are supportive, caring, compassionate males, i still try to throw sexuality into the mix. i despise that. but i'm so glad they continue to love me well in spite of it all.

since childhood, i've held this mystical belief in the all-importance of romantic love. for some reason, finding 'the one' has always been my ulterior [occasionally not so ulterior] motive. can it just be gone now? can i just change my focus? please?

what if marriage isn't the culmination of lessons learned and lessons to be learned in the arena of Love?

what if we spent more time fully engaging in life with the other 99.9% of our Loves?

what if i spent more time fully engaging in life with the other 99.9% of my Loves? hrmm.

ps - am now reading 'the shack' which is uber fascinating. oh yah. i just wrote uber.

secret project

so i'm working on a secret project. those involved will find out soon.

to make some headway on said secret project, i decided to take a moment away from the adorable [but amazingly hyper] second cousins i'm visiting. like moi, i opted for a coffee shop. also like moi, i searched in futility for 15 minutes for the coffee shop [which is located on a main drag in town]. drove up and down the street twice. ug. i've never been good at talking on the phone and concentrating on other tasks. i get too involved in the conversation and lose track of where i am and what i'm doing. i can't even use google text right. oy vey. [and i'm going to make it in chicago?]

after i find a cozy-ish northwestern chain in which to hang out, i ask the barista what his specialty is and choose that - always choose that [it is the highest compliment one can pay a barista, you know]. i find a plush booth to lodge myself in, getting quite comfy. and so began my two hours of secret project work. delightful [to say the least].

the real reason i've chosen to write about this instant of my life is the conversation i couldn't help but overhear between the barista and a friend [or perhaps a like-minded stranger? hard to tell]. a skater kid [20 maybe] comes in and asks for an ice water. he's been skating around town all day. the barista says he misses the times when he could travel by foot and bike. they launch into this unbelievable, utterly fantastic conversation about the speed of the world. about how our souls can't move faster than they're meant to. so when you get to work and it takes fifteen minutes to get your head on straight, it's because your soul is just arriving at work. because you drove to work, but your soul walked. love it. second amazingly cool conversation in medford, or. [wu wu]* i wanted so badly to join in the existential [?] banter. woulda, shoulda, coulda. 'can't shoulda done nothin' as grandma would have said. maybe i need another mountain mocha and some more time to work on my project.

* 'woot woot' will, from this time forward, be conveyed by the phrase 'wu wu' a la bri.

i met a man

i met a man today. random encounter. who would've thought that i would meet a man in medford, oregon down at the albertson's??

i've been reading this book about compassion. its main point is that we think of compassion in terms of 'do.' what can we do to help those in need. but really, God's compassion is so deep because he is simply 'with.' emmanuel, dios con nosotros. God with us. in our need. in our loneliness. in our depression. in our hopelessness. in our confusion.

well, he was a pleasant, though slighty lonely man of about 75. he introduced himself as jack young and told me i should buy the rocky road [as i stood staring spacily at the ice cream selection, feeling a bit peeved that all they had was half the fat chocolate chip] so i shook his hand and introduced myself. he said he and his wife always ate rocky road ice cream together on fridays. i felt that tightness in my chest as i realized my plans were being put on hold and God had plopped someone in my lap to listen to. that my life should be about someone else for a bit. [flashing back to the bottom of the page in compassion, i'm reminded of God's being 'with.']

what would it be to simply be with this man for a few minutes? hesitantly at first, i jump in and begin hearing him.

he tells me about his wife. he says she was beautiful and sweet and smart. she even skipped two grades. she died a year ago and he visits her grave every day, because it's hard to be away from her after so long.

[i have to push away the urge to tell him about my own story of loss. not because he won't identify or care, but because i feel like the moment should be about him and his story.]

they met in town, when she was working at pennies. [jc penny that is] he says they got married after a while and built a house by the high school. he says that they discovered the secret of love. [i ask what it is, expecting the genuine secret of love to fall from his lips]. he says that they continually invested in each other. they knew that being together was the most important thing.

he tells me how he used to work for the lumber mill, but he decided to go to ucla for engineering. and how she went with him. and about how they walked into a beverly hills bank in their nice clothes and said "out of all the banks in beverly hills, sir, my wife has decided this will be the one she works for." they called up her old manager and hired her on the spot. he kept on, but i won't.

geez. what is it to simply be with someone for a while? in the present? in the moment? in the grief? in the memory? sharing a little community. i don't think i did anything great for him, but i feel like it was a gift to get to hear a little about him.

so that's the man i met at the grocercy store. i hope i can love someone like that. unselfishly. for the rest of my life.

actual most amazing moment of the day

was carrying a deadweight sleeping child upstairs. one of the sweetest moments of my life.

most amazing moment of the day

yet another kid moment. and, truthfully, there are about a zillion most amazing moments if i keep my eyes open. even in the midst of all the squabbling.

okay, so we're going on the daily after dinner walk. it's the wee one's birthday tomorrow [turning 7, woot.] so we get into a discussion of how old everyone is. the oldest is 10, going on 11 as of september 22. the middle is 9 going on 10 as of september 2. siblings, same mom, 20 days shy of a year. wowsas.

so the most amazing moment of the day is this:

'wow, you guys are really close in age, aren't you?'

'yep, for 20 days we're the same age! it's like we're twins.'

'yeah, kinda like it, but not so much.'

'no, we're basically twins for 20 days.'

- huh? kids brains. who knows.

kid songs

are the best. why do we SO love repetition?

we drove to the outback for an early father's day dinner. delicious. for ten minutes straight [no joke] this is what we heard in the car:

'lemon-ade [thump thump thump]
crushed ice [thump thump thump]
beat it once [thump thump thump]
beat it twice [thump thump thump]
lemon-ade, crushed ice, beat it once, beat it twice'

the thumps are thumps on the players' kneecaps with the sing-songer's fist. whichever knee the last syllable lands on is 'out' and the game continues with remaining knees. there's also a hand portion.

10 minutes straight.

[i'll post a video if my cousin says its ok. they are her kids.]

i brung it. seriously.

[carrie checks e-mail in aunt's office hearing muffled yelling in the background]

'is not!'

'is too!!'

'is not!!!'

'is too!!!!'

'ask carrie you guys!'

'carrie carrie carrie carrie carrie carrie!!!'

[carrie conjures strength to settle 1 millionth childish dispute of the week.]

'what's up guys?' [she asks in the least condescending tone possible]

'tell him that 'brung' is a word!'

'sorry, can't do that, because it's not a word.

'is too! my dad says it all the time. he says 'i brung that' all the time!'

'just because your dad says it, doesn't mean it's a real word in correct English.'

'my teacher uses it too though!'

'what??'

'yah huh!! my teacher said 'i brung these pencils for you for testing'

'that's a tough one. just because people use it...that doesn't make it a real word.'

'see! she said it's a real word!'

'no, actually i just said it's not a real word.'

'but you said people use it!'

'and that just because people use it doesn't mean it's a real word. it's slang. it's a shortcut word. the real word is 'brought' - 'i brought games for use to use' 'i brought my guitar' 'i brought' 'you brought' 'he she it brought' 'they brought' - brung isn't a real word. let's look it up.' [carrie's blood pressure continues to rise ]

[turns to the ultimate source of wise diction - merriam webster online]

'brung: past tense of "to bring" by usage'

[try explaining 'by usage' to a child]

'see! even the dictionary said it's a real word.'

'by usage guys, it's slang. it's not proper English.'

'but people use it, so it's right.'

[carrie retires brain and gives up fight.]

-- intriguing thought of the moment: what is language but what we make of it? no correct word or phrase became correct by anything other than usage. so why does it raise my blood pressure to think of the hundreds [maybe thousands!!] of teachers, dads, and so on who demonstrate poor grammar skills?? ay ay ay.