the content of contentment

so i was looking back over old blogs. 2 1/2 years old blogs. you know the type, written by another person, or so it seems. everything changes so drastically, so often. slow growers, do we ever catch up? if i can look back and vividly remember a time when i was distinctly healthier...is that a good thing? so much has happened, i'll never be the same as i was. i don't think that's what i want. i just want to grow again. i feel like my horizon is shrinking, in spite of massive attempts to coerce it into broadening. ug. grrr. and lots of other frustrated onomatopoeia.

the aforementioned wedding is approaching wicked fast. i love lauren and peter both. so much. but. i'll be excited to see the details pass on into wedded bliss. the latest battle is over who will be planning seating arrangements and designing name placards. my question is...do we care? a week from now, what will be the focus a) name placards or b) wedded bliss? choose the best answer.

something you most likely do not know. unless there's an off chance that you know me. which would be wild. getting back though. my dad died in the summer of 2006. a year and half seems like plenty of time to have 'dealt with it,' or whatever it is i expect of myself. but that's just not how God designed life, love and growth. these are complex entities and not to be taken lightly, or 'dealt with' by any means.

what brings this up? so thoughtful of you to ask. my eyes, brimming with tears, body convulsing ever so slightly (can't show evidence that it's bothering me), sitting on my couch watching "namesake." a young wife, early twenties perhaps, gets a phone call in the middle of the night that her father is dead. something else you most likely do not know. i can still hear my brother's voice shakily telling me that "dad's dead" at 2 in the morning after it happened. i can still feel the soul quaking sobs that rose, uncontrollably. life is not about 'dealing with it' - it's about changing because of 'it,' whatever 'it' may be. my current 'it' - my dad's death. though it'd really like to believe it's only as simple as messing up two dating-ish relationships. ha!

can a girl get some ra ra riot, or what? what's with the explosion of 'vampire weekend' but riot's getting no play.

Robin Hood and Tip Thieves

remember that pitiful scene in robin hood when the sheriff takes the tiny little bag of birthday coins from the birthday boy?

my heart sank as i watched video footage of one of our coffee shop workers stealing out of the tip jar. for some reason it evokes the image of the sheriff of nottingham. why would she do that? is she that hard up for the measly 5 or 6 bucks inside? does she feel that she "deserves" it more than others? she knows that we split tips at the end of the pay period, proportionately divided by number of hours worked. so my heart has sunk.

i got fitted for my *plum* colored bridesmaid dress today. it's a fine dress, but i am not a mermaid, so a mermaid cut, surprisingly, does not flatter my waif-like figure. at the bottom, on the left...it's worth it for lauren. she's one of my best friends. so, with an iron will i walk on, ready to wear a mermaid shaped, plum colored, ill-fitting bridesmaid dress.

on an upnote, i just blew my nose for 3 minutes straight and reveled in laughter as lauren mocked the noises of said blowing. hah. love it. i'm going to miss my roommate more than she knows.

alas, my bath has readied itself, so off i run.

fiona knows

so i may or may not have gone out and purchased all existing fiona apple cds today. the heartache of her songs, well, it's speaking to me right now. i know i can't stay here, in this emotion forever. but it's a momentary comfort.

her songs tend to blame the other person, in reality, i definitely lean towards blaming myself. but it's good enough to relate to for a while. valid lyrics included for your 'benefit'. mine, rather?

"oh well"
fiona apple


what you did to me made me see myself
something awful
a voice once stentorian is now again
meek and muffled
it took me such a long time to get back up
the first time you did it
i spent all i had to get it back, and now it seems
i've been out-bidded

my peace and quiet was stolen from me
when i was looking with calm affection
you were searching out my imperfections
what wasted unconditional love
on somebody
who doesn't believe in the stuff

you came upon me like a hypnic jerk
when i was just about settled
and when it counts, you recoil with a cryptic word
and leave a love belittled"

one plausible sign of a true artist is the ability to inspire others to express, create, articulate, and such. not only do her words play the release valve to my aching heart, they create a deep longing to make my own music. i wonder if pain and art are indelibly marked, one upon the other. hrmm.

off to sleep, then substitute teach!

irony at its best

this is quite literally, a year from the date of my last post. awesome. apologies to all 3 of you.

the photoblog portion is taking a break. words are all i have right now.

home is an amazing basis, but at some point we must venture forth and experience the world. live it. where did this year and a half go? lost in grief over the loss of my father, perhaps. i've always been slow to change. achingly slow at times. i didn't even lose a tooth until 2nd grade. petite syndrome. time has bled away into other ravines as well.

so there was a guy. there were two actually. but they might as well have been the same person, different as they were. i held them both in such high esteem, they would've broken bones if either had fallen off their pedestals. they are both, rightly, amazing men. this is of little import. i've cut off my nose to spite my face (as grandma would've said) by choosing to verbally praise, mentally exalt, and physically indulge said "absolutely amazing" men. ironically, it's only fed a downward spiral of comparison and depreciating self-talk. though they were both interested in me, pursued me even, it's all for naught. as fiona might say "it's double-sided, 'cause i've ruined it all, but also saved myself by never believing you dear" this mind, that couldn't wrap around the affections of either man has caused the heart to lose them both. left with a question - salvage the friendships, or start afresh?

what causes such pervasive idolatry to begin? and to end? what's more, how has its demise risen so suddenly? what finally made me see that i'm holding myself down by holding them up? hopefully it won't resurrect when the next superfluous piece of flesh meanders by.

i stand poised and ready for change. thankful for the foundation of home, for the building blocks of turlock - i stand ready to question and grow and rethink anything thrown into my path.