so i'm working on a secret project. those involved will find out soon.
to make some headway on said secret project, i decided to take a moment away from the adorable [but amazingly hyper] second cousins i'm visiting. like moi, i opted for a coffee shop. also like moi, i searched in futility for 15 minutes for the coffee shop [which is located on a main drag in town]. drove up and down the street twice. ug. i've never been good at talking on the phone and concentrating on other tasks. i get too involved in the conversation and lose track of where i am and what i'm doing. i can't even use google text right. oy vey. [and i'm going to make it in chicago?]
after i find a cozy-ish northwestern chain in which to hang out, i ask the barista what his specialty is and choose that - always choose that [it is the highest compliment one can pay a barista, you know]. i find a plush booth to lodge myself in, getting quite comfy. and so began my two hours of secret project work. delightful [to say the least].
the real reason i've chosen to write about this instant of my life is the conversation i couldn't help but overhear between the barista and a friend [or perhaps a like-minded stranger? hard to tell]. a skater kid [20 maybe] comes in and asks for an ice water. he's been skating around town all day. the barista says he misses the times when he could travel by foot and bike. they launch into this unbelievable, utterly fantastic conversation about the speed of the world. about how our souls can't move faster than they're meant to. so when you get to work and it takes fifteen minutes to get your head on straight, it's because your soul is just arriving at work. because you drove to work, but your soul walked. love it. second amazingly cool conversation in medford, or. [wu wu]* i wanted so badly to join in the existential [?] banter. woulda, shoulda, coulda. 'can't shoulda done nothin' as grandma would have said. maybe i need another mountain mocha and some more time to work on my project.
* 'woot woot' will, from this time forward, be conveyed by the phrase 'wu wu' a la bri.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
i met a man
i met a man today. random encounter. who would've thought that i would meet a man in medford, oregon down at the albertson's??
i've been reading this book about compassion. its main point is that we think of compassion in terms of 'do.' what can we do to help those in need. but really, God's compassion is so deep because he is simply 'with.' emmanuel, dios con nosotros. God with us. in our need. in our loneliness. in our depression. in our hopelessness. in our confusion.
well, he was a pleasant, though slighty lonely man of about 75. he introduced himself as jack young and told me i should buy the rocky road [as i stood staring spacily at the ice cream selection, feeling a bit peeved that all they had was half the fat chocolate chip] so i shook his hand and introduced myself. he said he and his wife always ate rocky road ice cream together on fridays. i felt that tightness in my chest as i realized my plans were being put on hold and God had plopped someone in my lap to listen to. that my life should be about someone else for a bit. [flashing back to the bottom of the page in compassion, i'm reminded of God's being 'with.']
what would it be to simply be with this man for a few minutes? hesitantly at first, i jump in and begin hearing him.
he tells me about his wife. he says she was beautiful and sweet and smart. she even skipped two grades. she died a year ago and he visits her grave every day, because it's hard to be away from her after so long.
[i have to push away the urge to tell him about my own story of loss. not because he won't identify or care, but because i feel like the moment should be about him and his story.]
they met in town, when she was working at pennies. [jc penny that is] he says they got married after a while and built a house by the high school. he says that they discovered the secret of love. [i ask what it is, expecting the genuine secret of love to fall from his lips]. he says that they continually invested in each other. they knew that being together was the most important thing.
he tells me how he used to work for the lumber mill, but he decided to go to ucla for engineering. and how she went with him. and about how they walked into a beverly hills bank in their nice clothes and said "out of all the banks in beverly hills, sir, my wife has decided this will be the one she works for." they called up her old manager and hired her on the spot. he kept on, but i won't.
geez. what is it to simply be with someone for a while? in the present? in the moment? in the grief? in the memory? sharing a little community. i don't think i did anything great for him, but i feel like it was a gift to get to hear a little about him.
so that's the man i met at the grocercy store. i hope i can love someone like that. unselfishly. for the rest of my life.
i've been reading this book about compassion. its main point is that we think of compassion in terms of 'do.' what can we do to help those in need. but really, God's compassion is so deep because he is simply 'with.' emmanuel, dios con nosotros. God with us. in our need. in our loneliness. in our depression. in our hopelessness. in our confusion.
well, he was a pleasant, though slighty lonely man of about 75. he introduced himself as jack young and told me i should buy the rocky road [as i stood staring spacily at the ice cream selection, feeling a bit peeved that all they had was half the fat chocolate chip] so i shook his hand and introduced myself. he said he and his wife always ate rocky road ice cream together on fridays. i felt that tightness in my chest as i realized my plans were being put on hold and God had plopped someone in my lap to listen to. that my life should be about someone else for a bit. [flashing back to the bottom of the page in compassion, i'm reminded of God's being 'with.']
what would it be to simply be with this man for a few minutes? hesitantly at first, i jump in and begin hearing him.
he tells me about his wife. he says she was beautiful and sweet and smart. she even skipped two grades. she died a year ago and he visits her grave every day, because it's hard to be away from her after so long.
[i have to push away the urge to tell him about my own story of loss. not because he won't identify or care, but because i feel like the moment should be about him and his story.]
they met in town, when she was working at pennies. [jc penny that is] he says they got married after a while and built a house by the high school. he says that they discovered the secret of love. [i ask what it is, expecting the genuine secret of love to fall from his lips]. he says that they continually invested in each other. they knew that being together was the most important thing.
he tells me how he used to work for the lumber mill, but he decided to go to ucla for engineering. and how she went with him. and about how they walked into a beverly hills bank in their nice clothes and said "out of all the banks in beverly hills, sir, my wife has decided this will be the one she works for." they called up her old manager and hired her on the spot. he kept on, but i won't.
geez. what is it to simply be with someone for a while? in the present? in the moment? in the grief? in the memory? sharing a little community. i don't think i did anything great for him, but i feel like it was a gift to get to hear a little about him.
so that's the man i met at the grocercy store. i hope i can love someone like that. unselfishly. for the rest of my life.
Monday, June 16, 2008
actual most amazing moment of the day
was carrying a deadweight sleeping child upstairs. one of the sweetest moments of my life.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
most amazing moment of the day
yet another kid moment. and, truthfully, there are about a zillion most amazing moments if i keep my eyes open. even in the midst of all the squabbling.
okay, so we're going on the daily after dinner walk. it's the wee one's birthday tomorrow [turning 7, woot.] so we get into a discussion of how old everyone is. the oldest is 10, going on 11 as of september 22. the middle is 9 going on 10 as of september 2. siblings, same mom, 20 days shy of a year. wowsas.
so the most amazing moment of the day is this:
'wow, you guys are really close in age, aren't you?'
'yep, for 20 days we're the same age! it's like we're twins.'
'yeah, kinda like it, but not so much.'
'no, we're basically twins for 20 days.'
- huh? kids brains. who knows.
okay, so we're going on the daily after dinner walk. it's the wee one's birthday tomorrow [turning 7, woot.] so we get into a discussion of how old everyone is. the oldest is 10, going on 11 as of september 22. the middle is 9 going on 10 as of september 2. siblings, same mom, 20 days shy of a year. wowsas.
so the most amazing moment of the day is this:
'wow, you guys are really close in age, aren't you?'
'yep, for 20 days we're the same age! it's like we're twins.'
'yeah, kinda like it, but not so much.'
'no, we're basically twins for 20 days.'
- huh? kids brains. who knows.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
kid songs
are the best. why do we SO love repetition?
we drove to the outback for an early father's day dinner. delicious. for ten minutes straight [no joke] this is what we heard in the car:
'lemon-ade [thump thump thump]
crushed ice [thump thump thump]
beat it once [thump thump thump]
beat it twice [thump thump thump]
lemon-ade, crushed ice, beat it once, beat it twice'
the thumps are thumps on the players' kneecaps with the sing-songer's fist. whichever knee the last syllable lands on is 'out' and the game continues with remaining knees. there's also a hand portion.
10 minutes straight.
[i'll post a video if my cousin says its ok. they are her kids.]
we drove to the outback for an early father's day dinner. delicious. for ten minutes straight [no joke] this is what we heard in the car:
'lemon-ade [thump thump thump]
crushed ice [thump thump thump]
beat it once [thump thump thump]
beat it twice [thump thump thump]
lemon-ade, crushed ice, beat it once, beat it twice'
the thumps are thumps on the players' kneecaps with the sing-songer's fist. whichever knee the last syllable lands on is 'out' and the game continues with remaining knees. there's also a hand portion.
10 minutes straight.
[i'll post a video if my cousin says its ok. they are her kids.]
Friday, June 13, 2008
i brung it. seriously.
[carrie checks e-mail in aunt's office hearing muffled yelling in the background]
'is not!'
'is too!!'
'is not!!!'
'is too!!!!'
'ask carrie you guys!'
'carrie carrie carrie carrie carrie carrie!!!'
[carrie conjures strength to settle 1 millionth childish dispute of the week.]
'what's up guys?' [she asks in the least condescending tone possible]
'tell him that 'brung' is a word!'
'sorry, can't do that, because it's not a word.
'is too! my dad says it all the time. he says 'i brung that' all the time!'
'just because your dad says it, doesn't mean it's a real word in correct English.'
'my teacher uses it too though!'
'what??'
'yah huh!! my teacher said 'i brung these pencils for you for testing'
'that's a tough one. just because people use it...that doesn't make it a real word.'
'see! she said it's a real word!'
'no, actually i just said it's not a real word.'
'but you said people use it!'
'and that just because people use it doesn't mean it's a real word. it's slang. it's a shortcut word. the real word is 'brought' - 'i brought games for use to use' 'i brought my guitar' 'i brought' 'you brought' 'he she it brought' 'they brought' - brung isn't a real word. let's look it up.' [carrie's blood pressure continues to rise]
[turns to the ultimate source of wise diction - merriam webster online]
'brung: past tense of "to bring" by usage'
[try explaining 'by usage' to a child]
'see! even the dictionary said it's a real word.'
'by usage guys, it's slang. it's not proper English.'
'but people use it, so it's right.'
[carrie retires brain and gives up fight.]
-- intriguing thought of the moment: what is language but what we make of it? no correct word or phrase became correct by anything other than usage. so why does it raise my blood pressure to think of the hundreds [maybe thousands!!] of teachers, dads, and so on who demonstrate poor grammar skills?? ay ay ay.
'is not!'
'is too!!'
'is not!!!'
'is too!!!!'
'ask carrie you guys!'
'carrie carrie carrie carrie carrie carrie!!!'
[carrie conjures strength to settle 1 millionth childish dispute of the week.]
'what's up guys?' [she asks in the least condescending tone possible]
'tell him that 'brung' is a word!'
'sorry, can't do that, because it's not a word.
'is too! my dad says it all the time. he says 'i brung that' all the time!'
'just because your dad says it, doesn't mean it's a real word in correct English.'
'my teacher uses it too though!'
'what??'
'yah huh!! my teacher said 'i brung these pencils for you for testing'
'that's a tough one. just because people use it...that doesn't make it a real word.'
'see! she said it's a real word!'
'no, actually i just said it's not a real word.'
'but you said people use it!'
'and that just because people use it doesn't mean it's a real word. it's slang. it's a shortcut word. the real word is 'brought' - 'i brought games for use to use' 'i brought my guitar' 'i brought' 'you brought' 'he she it brought' 'they brought' - brung isn't a real word. let's look it up.' [carrie's blood pressure continues to rise
[turns to the ultimate source of wise diction - merriam webster online]
'brung: past tense of "to bring" by usage'
[try explaining 'by usage' to a child]
'see! even the dictionary said it's a real word.'
'by usage guys, it's slang. it's not proper English.'
'but people use it, so it's right.'
[carrie retires brain and gives up fight.]
-- intriguing thought of the moment: what is language but what we make of it? no correct word or phrase became correct by anything other than usage. so why does it raise my blood pressure to think of the hundreds [maybe thousands!!] of teachers, dads, and so on who demonstrate poor grammar skills?? ay ay ay.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
there's a reason
God hasn't given me kids just yet. direct any questions or comments to the paragraphs below.
i find myself faced with one consta-dilemma while playing with my 3 second cousins up here in la-la land. besides the momentary concerns like 'oh i hope they don't break aunt's all-glass statue!' and 'which game will keep them properly engaged and occupados next?' lies the eternal:
is this a behavior that needs to be reprimanded, or is it just annoying to me?
the tapping on the table
the constant noise making
the futile bickering over who's next
the multiplicity of voices all trying to tell me a joke or story at once
i can't imagine being a parent to all of them. i'm sure i admire her for more than that, but i certainly admire my cousin for birthing these helots from her womb and attempting to raise them in an upright manner.
which brings another interesting twist. one is being raised by his italian stallion pops a la carte, while the other two are being raised in what appears to be a largely functional two parent home. those two do much better with turn-taking, quitting when it's time to stop, and enjoying the moment when it's time to have fun. they're turing into real, live, human beings! the wee one squawks and bawks at all rules, reprimands, and resistance [to his will]. so fierce is his sense of competition than he bursts into screaming tears at the mention of his being wrong or losing.
what is my role as a two-week appearance per year in their lives? too much to ponder. hrmm, off to the pool. yikes!
ps - i'm in a moment of cosmic comedy. i post-poned my trip an extra day to wait for my payroll check to arrive. wanted to get it in the bank, you know. so, as i'm driving out of town later than anticipated, i think 'oh, i'll just wait until i get to oregon and deposit it there...' NOT there's not a single citibank in the entire state of oregon. so i'm mailing it back to my mother, who will, hopefully, deposit it for me. ay ay ay.
i find myself faced with one consta-dilemma while playing with my 3 second cousins up here in la-la land. besides the momentary concerns like 'oh i hope they don't break aunt's all-glass statue!' and 'which game will keep them properly engaged and occupados next?' lies the eternal:
is this a behavior that needs to be reprimanded, or is it just annoying to me?
the tapping on the table
the constant noise making
the futile bickering over who's next
the multiplicity of voices all trying to tell me a joke or story at once
i can't imagine being a parent to all of them. i'm sure i admire her for more than that, but i certainly admire my cousin for birthing these helots from her womb and attempting to raise them in an upright manner.
which brings another interesting twist. one is being raised by his italian stallion pops a la carte, while the other two are being raised in what appears to be a largely functional two parent home. those two do much better with turn-taking, quitting when it's time to stop, and enjoying the moment when it's time to have fun. they're turing into real, live, human beings! the wee one squawks and bawks at all rules, reprimands, and resistance [to his will]. so fierce is his sense of competition than he bursts into screaming tears at the mention of his being wrong or losing.
what is my role as a two-week appearance per year in their lives? too much to ponder. hrmm, off to the pool. yikes!
ps - i'm in a moment of cosmic comedy. i post-poned my trip an extra day to wait for my payroll check to arrive. wanted to get it in the bank, you know. so, as i'm driving out of town later than anticipated, i think 'oh, i'll just wait until i get to oregon and deposit it there...' NOT there's not a single citibank in the entire state of oregon. so i'm mailing it back to my mother, who will, hopefully, deposit it for me. ay ay ay.
Monday, June 09, 2008
la llorona
is the best cd! by a woman named lhasa. gorgeous voice - very spanish sounding music. it's full of pain and desperation with lots of picking on guitar.
as i empty out the contents of my life, pulling from nooks and crannies of the house, i see how much 'stuff' i have. it's nearly sickening. maybe it's only sickening because i have to pack for the 5th time in 5 years. ha. my choice though, i suppose. my roommate is terrified that i'm going to leave my incredibly ugly couches in the house. double ha.
so, i thought i'd get my purse in on the emptying out process. here we go, the entire contents of my purse:
4 cards - aaa, license, costco, and bank card
$2.33 in change
a bible
a journal
5 pens and 2 pencils
plastic comb
sand
6 old receipts
a napkin [drawn on by serg -
a tree with two leaves falling 'today is a beautiful day']
18 liberty stamps
and 'the man who was thursday' by gk chesterton
i think every purse is that random. i pretty much like humanity. and by pretty much, i mean, extremely. though we're messed up...we're fun. and certainly random.
as i empty out the contents of my life, pulling from nooks and crannies of the house, i see how much 'stuff' i have. it's nearly sickening. maybe it's only sickening because i have to pack for the 5th time in 5 years. ha. my choice though, i suppose. my roommate is terrified that i'm going to leave my incredibly ugly couches in the house. double ha.
so, i thought i'd get my purse in on the emptying out process. here we go, the entire contents of my purse:
4 cards - aaa, license, costco, and bank card
$2.33 in change
a bible
a journal
5 pens and 2 pencils
plastic comb
sand
6 old receipts
a napkin [drawn on by serg -
a tree with two leaves falling 'today is a beautiful day']
18 liberty stamps
and 'the man who was thursday' by gk chesterton
i think every purse is that random. i pretty much like humanity. and by pretty much, i mean, extremely. though we're messed up...we're fun. and certainly random.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
zoning out
man, i'm trying to not zone out. disconnect. it's so hard to say goodbye to people, to a way of life. not just any people - to my people, my way of life. turlock is done, at least for this stage. crazy.
awesome thing though - my bible study girls bought me a going away slash birthday present wrapped in a victoria's secret bag. as i'm heading off to a bible school, i was a little worried.
but i didn't need to be, because inside i found an amazingly cool bible - an archaeological study bible with endless notes about history and such. oooooh. aaaaaaah. ooooooooh. aaaaaaaah. nothing from victoria's secret. yay.
woot. woot.
on another up note -- i'm learning to salsa dance!
i've written quite freely about my break-up and angry at ex issues, so here's one to blow your mind. i had a going away party at the coffee shop i [used to] work at last night. who shows up? said ex. [invited jokingly by a mutual friend] what does he hand me? a card. with a letter inside. paragraphs full of phrases and bits like 'sorry' and 'grow' and 'good luck' and [the best one] 'i believe this is what God wants you to do' - and then i was like...whoah! ha. God is the most amazing redeemer there is. that was the big deal. that he couldn't believe me going to grad school was a God thing, as opposed to a me thing. a relief i had almost given up on experiencing.
woot. woot.
awesome thing though - my bible study girls bought me a going away slash birthday present wrapped in a victoria's secret bag. as i'm heading off to a bible school, i was a little worried.
but i didn't need to be, because inside i found an amazingly cool bible - an archaeological study bible with endless notes about history and such. oooooh. aaaaaaah. ooooooooh. aaaaaaaah. nothing from victoria's secret. yay.
woot. woot.
on another up note -- i'm learning to salsa dance!
i've written quite freely about my break-up and angry at ex issues, so here's one to blow your mind. i had a going away party at the coffee shop i [used to] work at last night. who shows up? said ex. [invited jokingly by a mutual friend] what does he hand me? a card. with a letter inside. paragraphs full of phrases and bits like 'sorry' and 'grow' and 'good luck' and [the best one] 'i believe this is what God wants you to do' - and then i was like...whoah! ha. God is the most amazing redeemer there is. that was the big deal. that he couldn't believe me going to grad school was a God thing, as opposed to a me thing. a relief i had almost given up on experiencing.
woot. woot.
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