leadership and its consequences

so, this concept of leadership is a hot button issue for me right now.

traditionally, a leader seems like...'the person in charge.'

but every class i'm in, the prof alludes to the fact that we're all leader type people if we're in the class.  just because i'm studying at moody, does that make me a 'leader'? in a related way, does that make me a good leader? i think not.

historically speaking, when i am put into positions with official leadership titles, i turn into a big fat jerkface.  i get "busy" all the time.

"hey carrie, how are you? did you get my call last week?"

"yah, i'm so sorry. i've just been really busy lately! i've gotta go take care of *insert random, probably unnecessary task*"

people who accept extra responsibilities also accept extra care loads for extra people.  it's not just about me and the few folks i truly love.  my domain of folks to love well opens up quite a bit. and i just have a tendency to fail.

when my schedule is open, my heart is open.  when i have titles, my heart shuts, and i go into "create busy-ness" mindset right away.  it's like i lose my ability to function organically in relationships.

the only reason i've come to this awareness is because i'm currently getting the busy signal from my "peer mentor."  i didn't ask for this relationship, someone dumped it on this lady. i've got a number of ladies i'm getting connected with now, so why must we try to force this "peer mentor" relationship to happen?  yet, every time i see her...

"hey *insert name of carrie's peer mentor*! good to see you, how are you?"

"*grabs carrie's hand in a loving manner* Oh sweetie i'm just so busy! oh, but we need to spend some time together, i'm so curious about who you are and how you're adjusting to moody."

"[really?? because you mostly just seem too busy to care about me...nor am i really asking you to care about me....why are we forcing this to happen??] Oh, I'm doing well, sometimes homesickness is a bit much, and there's more work than i thought there would be, but mostly ok. *notices peer mentor's eyes darting around hallway and glancing down at watch* well, i guess i'll let you go!"

"Ok, but we really do need to hang out.  i'll call you about coffee sometime!"

with a flurry, out the door. am i mad at her? not in any manner of speaking.  she's a wonderful woman, but she's too darn busy to add another forced, meaningful relational tie to her schedule.  is it a little painful to be mildly rejected after the mild hope of being mentored? sure.

funny how it takes being the one hurt, to realize how much hurting i've done to other people.  it kinda sucks. and there's another gush. uh oh, i hope this isn't going to turn into a blog phase. into a gushing blog phase...hrmmm.

super unfascinating, unless you're me

i had to take a personality slash spiritual gifts inventory.

they've got me pegged. largely.

italicized words should be interpreted as "ow ow ow ow, that hurts so true!"

if it's italicized and bolded, then i cringed to death inside when i read it.

i wonder...do you agree?

Carrie's "D" tendencies seem to be:
Demanding , Asserting, Decisive , Sure , Certain, Confident , Self-reliant, Serious , Unwavering, Direct , To the point, Bottom line , Straight-forward

Carrie's "I" tendencies seem to be:
Promoting , Encouraging, Talkative , Verbal

Carrie's "S" tendencies seem to be:
Peaceful , Calm, Considerate , Thoughtful, Contented , Satisfied

Carrie's "C" tendencies seem to be:
Law-abiding , Conscientious, Calculating , Analytical, Contemplative , Thinker, Pondering , Wondering, Preparing , Researching, Inquisitive , Questioning


Carrie's "D" tendencies are not very:
Bold , Daring, Winner , Competitive

Carrie's "I" tendencies are not very:
Outgoing , Active, Playful , Fun-loving, Trusting , Gullible , Open, Hyper , Energetic, Smooth talker , Articulate, Entertaining , Clowning, Animated , Expressive, Merry , Cheerful, Dynamic , Impressing, Peppy , Playful, Inducing , Charming, Exciting , Spirited, Responsive , Reacting

Carrie's "S" tendencies are not very:
Pleasing , Good-natured, Flexible , Adaptable , Agreeable, Steady , Dependable, Timid , Soft-spoken

Carrie's "C" tendencies are not very:
Compliant , Goes by book

it's a funny thing.

i'm just sitting right now.  well, and typing. and waiting for my libronix library to fully install. it's taking forever and day.  [libronix is the data library for an AMAZING program called Logos.  i can look at the original greek and hebrew of the Bible on it. insanity embodied.]

so, since i'm just sitting, i think i'm going to do what i haven't done in a while. i'm going to gush.  not about silly things or sarcastic things or things that annoy me. the gushes will be about several different aspects of my heart and soul, so you should stop reading if you don't want to read my gushing.

[in no significant order. simply stream of consciousness really.]

gush #1

boys. they're everywhere. i can't get away from them, even buried under all these christian theological books.  my gush is this, i get amazingly infatuated really [really] easily. this is NOT productive. by no means is this productive, i mean.  by no means.  sometimes, i'm so easily infatuated that i find myself wondering if i'm even capable of recognizing lasting love when it meanders by.  God is faithful, He will bring His will to pass.  great truth slash cliche, but does that prevent me from alienating men by asking too many questions?  does it prevent me from alienating women by being the girl who chases male 'friendships' above them?  i'd like to claim 'inquisitive nature' - but realistically, it happens more frequently with guys.  maybe i just find guys more interesting. oh well.

gush #2

justice. captivity.  Here's my gush.  i'm terribly surprised at how metaphorically i've understood my faith.  God's heart is for the needy, the broken, the captive. i'm the needy. i'm the broken. i'm the captive. at heart. but in no way can i classify my real life and growing up experience as 'captive.'  i went to this concert last night, and it broke my heart to realize how blind i am.  there are real women. in real sex slave trades. there are real children being used and abused for labor is things too disgusting to mention.  is this not the fast i choose...to free the captive and care for the needy? what will it take to bring my heart from sympathy to compassion - compassion unto action??

wow, that's all the gush i've got. i'm going for a walk. i most likely love you if you're reading this. [guys that are reading this, don't take that the wrong way, just take it in a christian way]. thanks for reading a bit of my gushy heart.

*sneezes*

the raspy throat.

the wet nose.

the shortness of breath.

the glassy eyes.

the sneezy, spewy, coughing man on the bus last night.

yeah. i'm getting my first chicago cold.

just thought you'd like to know.

don't drink the water

at the Wonderland Salvation Army Camp in Wisconsin...eek! everything they cooked tasted like sulfur. the fountain drinks? sulfur. the toilet water? sulfur. the shower water? sulfur.

that hiccup aside, this weekend was scandalously refreshing. i went up expecting to stay up late with everyone, bonding and telling stories and giggling about how that cute guy really 'loves the Lord' [he must be a good Christian...] and while some of that happened, it was much more deep soul refreshment.

the music worship was alright from a human standpoint. but it was pure.

the food was alright from a human standpoint. but the fellowship was pure delight.

the beds were crammed in, 12 to a cabin. but hearing a few gals lifestories was pure joy.

the games were rowdy from my standpoint. so going to the lake and reading was pure peace.

not to mention the fact that i got to carpool up with some of the coolest people this side of the Rockies. and it's the first time i've been in a car in almost a months! crazy.

i definitely took a 2 hour nap after getting home though. whew.

a tale of two eateries

once upon a time, there was a young woman with a desire to eat mexican food in chicago.  having recently moved from the mexican-food-rich environment of the distant West Coast, this seemed like an attainable request.  in her meanderings on the vast one ways of downtown, she happened upon a tremendously mexican-themed restaurant.  alas, she had to attend a 3 hour class on practicing ministry [and writing proper mla format papers] before she could enjoy this gem.  little did she know how very, very inappropriate the term 'gem' would prove for this restaurant.

she and another foreigner who had survived the long class ventured out in pursuit of delicious mexican comida.  she ordered a torta with beans and rice whilst her accented friend thought it better to try the quesadillas [ever so disappointed that 'quesa'dillas come only with cheese, not with chicken].  after a heavy dinner discussion, the two left with stomachs full of mediocre mexican food.  in truth, once alone, she shed a single tear [only one] for the emptiness remaining in her soul regarding the desire for algo sabrosa. she was able to eek some sympathy out of a fellow sojourner from the glorious West.

the next day, she wandered alone up and down the city's streets...hoping she would happen upon delicious mexican food. and then she saw it. not mexican...but a beautifully lit sign "paella" shining brightly forth.  flipping an immediate 'u' she headed toward this beacon in the midday.  glory was sure to await her.  oh, that it did.  no disappointment to be found here. not a bit. perhaps, not mexican in nature, but certainly resonant as the more sophisticated iberian motherland...this beautiful restaurant offered the peace of mouth she longed for.  she sat for hours, reading a fantastic book, served by a wonderful server [stephanie], and eating the most delicious vegetarian paella of all time.  had she taken some moments to imagine the possible deliciousness of paella, she would never have achieved the savory heights offered by this amazing food.  way to be on that gas stove enrique. way to be.

so ridiculously amazing. just, ridiculously amazing. my mouth is nearly watering, thinking about how delicious this food was. is, really. the leftovers are in my fridge and i can't wait to delve into all that fantastic-ness.

yeah, i know i need some new words. maybe i should buy a cool shower curtain.

utterly amazing.

 had two utterly amazing moments today. i will share them both with you, though i doubt you will feel the same impacting amazingess.

utterly amazing moment #1

the realization that there are other men in the world who treat people as...people. namely women with whom he is not in a 'dating relationship'. i had only met one man like this up until today. at least as the direct object of the 'being treated as a person though we're not dating.' way to go God for growing men of this caliber. i know that i am safe with these two men. safe to be real and honest without fear of being evaluated for 'wife material.' that's a nasty habit of christian men.

i'm not saying that more of these men do not exist, i'm just saying i've not experienced more than these two [fantastic] situations in the first person.

utterly amazing moment #2

a very normal looking, young, black mother hopped on the bus today and sat down next to me, toting her adorable little girl alongside [perhaps 2 1/2 yrs?]  over the next, let's say, 15 minutes, i saw this child demonstrate the brilliancy of God and humanity.  or maybe it's God in humanity?  it went like this:

carrie smiles..........child smiles bigger

carrie waves..........child looks awkwardly at own hand and suddenly waves

                      ..........child laughs with delight

carrie holds up fist..........child looks awkwardly at own hand and suddenly hold up fist

carrie smiles with surprise..........child holds up fist again and smiles brilliantly

carrie makes fist and opens palm..........child opens and closes fist

                                                          ..........child opens palm and reaches out

carrie reaches out with open palm

                                                            ..........child gently places palm on carrie's open palm

carrie smiles as big as possible..........child gleams with delight

i was watching this child learn, watching the result of her God-given brain building new pathways to accomplish particular goals. it was UTTERLY AMAZING.

hope these moments of utterly amazingness strike your fancy. make it a good one my loves.

oh, La

'oh la, we've got a lot to learn from each other,

we have got to stick together.'

Ra Ra Riot do it. buy it. love it.

and then think of me fondly when you do.

on a different note.  if you've ever heard flight of the conchords 'inner city pressure' then you know where i'm coming from. there are some tough things [ish] about living alone in the city.

1. there's no one to do the clasp on my dresses. so i have to remain unclasped. scandalous.

2. there's no one to remember to turn on the light, so that it's not dark when i get home.

3. there's no one to make food for. besides me. but i'm a light eater. oh but i love to cook.

4. there's no one to feel sorry for me when i get blisters from wearing shoes with no socks in the rain.

5. most importantly, huggers are few and far between. boy, am i a hugger. it's a little awkward, hugging myself though. heh.

at least i'm not to selling my only chair, or wearing second-hand underpants.

ok, maybe i'm done with my pity party. ha.  can you identify at all though? really?

overall, it was a good day. i got a lot of work done, had some good conversations with home, and some nice person even cooked dinner for me. [no, i'm not complimenting myself in the 3rd person.]

exhausted, she went to sleep after all the wonderful things she had accomplished that day. [but now i am.]

hope this finds you well. as some would say. actually, i think i only know one person who says that.

dashing in the rain

i had my first real 'chicago' moment last night. let me set the scene.

rain.

pouring.

all day long.

no umbrella.

running to the bus stop.

waiting in the rain.

talking on the phone to 'home'

go to class.

be attentive.

engage.

20 minutes of prayer.

you are dismissed.

so, i was heading out beside my prof, thrasher, quickening my pace to match his. he's a man of God. he's a man of prayer, so i shared a request with him that's been weighing on me heavily. he responded graciously saying in an alabama drawl 'this buhden on ya heart is God's blessing carra' with a wave he jammed out the door to catch his own train home.

so now, the chicago moment. i looked out the double doors at the rain, quickly calculating the time it might take me to run to the bus stop, figuring in waiting at red lights.

rain + running + distance = wet.

rain + walking + distance = soaking wet.

it was a pretty simple decision, so i zipped up my thin hoodie and started running. [why do i not own an umbrella? because i'm from california and it's always sunny in CA]

somewhere between the figuring of the wetness, the zipping of the hoodie, and the getting drenched anyway, it happened. it hit me that i really live in chicago. i really go to moody. i really am running towards a bus stop where i really am going to use my unlimited bus pass to get to my real apartment.

i started crying. but it was raining. and they were tears of relief. relief in the realization that i'm a on a journey and God's all encompassing love will not ever let me down.

it was a beautiful chicago moment, dashing in the rain.

panic-attacking

is my new favorite thing. except not. i shouldn't discredit real panic attacks with my false claims of the panic attack state of being. but i am freaking out a little bit.

i knew grad school would be a lot of work. and it is. i think it's probably more work than i anticipated. but it'll be worth it.

a funny twist [spoken by a joisey accent] "hey keyrrie, doughn't choo kinna feel loike ya disappointin' Gahd if you fail these clayhsses?"

okay, his accent's not that strong, but he does have a point. i know [with my intellect] that i'm not 'letting God down' if i don't do well, or don't put enough energy into my classes...but there is a guilty feeling when i think things like "get more bible study/reading/work done at my apartment? or...go people watch at grant park and kinda sorta read? grant park."

maybe that's just part of my struggle, trying to earn God's approval and affection? thank goodness i can come to Him through Christ alone. with that said, i'm going to go read instead of write another blog. have you noticed that i'm writing more now that i have more work to do? perhaps that's just another part of my struggle. ha.

the rhumb line

i've no idea what a rhumb line is. i should look that up. in between hundreds of pages of reading. hrmmm. maybe i won't look it up. maybe i'll just enjoy the new ra ra riot release while reading.

on first listen, i wasn't a big fan. the songs that were on their ep were genius. it's rough, it's raw, but melodious and harmonious. it's the rumbling cello that gets me every time. there's something about the new recordings that don't sound the 'same' [duh? it's a new recording...] BUT once i listened to the songs not released on the ep...oh my goodness! fantasmagorically amazing. so good. try it! you'll like it!

i'll put three pennies down on the fact that the rhumb line is not a beach FULL to the BRIM with [as naked as possible] bodies. that was my day today. i went to the north beach...and it was packed. but i just laid out my towel, got out my book and music and made a day of it.

i was wondering. what qualifies as a date? if it's just two people of the opposite sex hanging out alone [amongst hundreds of other folk] at the beach, is it a date? i don't think so. i was in my own world between the music and reading.

he was supposed to get 'a buncha' on campus 'kids' to come with and head down to the [woata]...but everyone gave the 'are you kidding? i gotta study' rejection. this has happened a couple of other times. but i think it's just coincidence.

i enjoy his company [and his joisey accent] very much, but am not interested in being a girlfriend and don't want to take advantage of him. hrmmm. it's not that i want to play the field or anything, i just want to focus on taking all this God-knowledge to heart. i didn't think this would be an issue in the first two weeks of chicagoland living. oh well.