i heart ca

that's what my shirt says. that's what my heart says. it's so hard to be away from material familiarity. i'm not really 'homesick' anymore, but i do miss knowing people well and being known well. even my most intimate chicago relationships are not terribly so. getting there though.

hippie time helps. a few women in the grad school get together and we just spend some time relating in real, new testament friendships. and that's refreshing. prayer, sharing a Word, talking about our endless 'epiphanies' in the Lord. hardly any structure and certainly no due dates. no quenching of the Spirit with bad attitudes. it's fantastic.

on a vaguely related, but mostly separate note...emotions are ridiculous and beautiful. i used to pretend that being a woman didn't matter and that i had the same emotions as a man. [i'd still like to pretend that, but am slowly owning up to the fact that i am affected by my biology] the thought of being tied to some 'curse' was just plain terrible. i think i mostly just didn't want to admit defeat. i'm coming to realize though, that i should just frame the issue differently [ha.] - as one of 'carrie emotions.' not 'how should i classify my emotions based on my gender or whether or not i'm pms?' [fyi - pmsing is my least favorite phrase on the face of the earth. except for "you have been weighed and found wanting"] a good friend used to refer to "carrie land" when i was being distinctly emotional.

well folks, [and by folks, i mean myself...], here's the deal. carrie land exists. let's admit it. sometimes i feel so emotionless it scares me and other times i cry for reasons unbeknownst even to me. who cries after eating a cupcake and talking about the concept of politics with a decent pal, trying to drink coffee [except that it was way too hot]?? people that reside in carrie land. that's who. people who won't let go of pedantic infatuation. that's who.

why do i look at others, seeing them as amazingly made in the image of God - but look at myself as this messed up thing to be corrected? it's not always this bad, but at this moment, i'm really struggling with seeing myself through God's 'cristo vision.' grrrr.

it really is just this moment though, i think. at least, i hope i won't keep clutching these insecurities thru my whole life. and most days, i don't cry after eating cupcakes. that's not how i roll.

i just have to let my deepening relationships grow. and live in the tension.

and try to not be a terrific ball of neuroses.

answered prayers

there's this assignment that i have to complete in about a month. the prof calls it a 'mini-ethnography.' [oh little mini-ethnography, you're so cute, oh yes you are, you little itty bitty baby mini-ethnography...] basically, i have to interview someone about his or her life, but not just anyone. it needs to be someone who is of a drastically different life experience, namely ethnicity, socio-economic background, and creed. this poses a itty bitty baby problem for me.

although the grad school is quite diverse regarding the first two main factors, we all speak to the same belief system, so all my awesome international friends are out. as that is my main connection to other people...hrmmm. also, can't turn to my church - they all believe things similar to me as well.

so you see my problem.

as a 'good' christian, how do i solve this dilemma? i turned to my Lord, Jehovah-Jireh [My Provider] and asked Him to put someone in my life who's just super different than me. and guess what? last night i ran into my neighbor with an accent as he was heading out for a drink [at about 11:30p]. ever so brief, he invited me out and i declined but said i hoped his evening would go well.

which brings us up to this a.m. i'm at the coffee shop counter waiting for a fellow moodiite [moody-ight] to show up so we can study the things of God all day long [enjoying coffee, tea, pumpkin pie, and 'free' wi-fi]. who do i run into? my neighbor with an accent. a bulgarian accent - born and raised. not only this, but he's an atheist! with a little bit of bad church experience under his belt as well! [although in his words, 'no, he wasn't molested by a catholic priest or anything, nothing traumatic]. could God have more graciously and abundantly answered my prayer? wow! i asked him [formally] if we could have the mini-ethnography conversation and i promised him i wouldn't try to convert him. ha. the itty bitty baby mini-ethnography is on...

and so God answered my prayer! thank you God for being my Jehovah-Jireh.

---

so, i've been thinking again. [i feel like i'm confessing sin when i say that.]

i've been thinking about the purpose of prayer. maybe i didn't change God's mind. i mean, it seems like most of us think that we need to ask God to do a certain thing, to bring our case before Jehovah-Jireh and ask the Giver to allocate some funds, some people, some timely material blessings. whatever it is, we ask God for it, because He tells us He is our Provider and that if He dresses the lillies of the field beautifully, how much more will He do for us?

there's not a thing wrong with believing in God as our Provider - He tells us straight out that's part of who He is. but i think there's something wrong with my perception of prayer. especially supplicative prayer.

what if, the spiritual action that happened when i prayed for God to provide a mini-ethnography interviewee was not that:

'i convinced God to give me something He wasn't planning on.'

or even the more normal concept that

'i asked and so God provided in His sovereignty.'

what if what really happened is that

in His foreknowledge, God prepared my heart by means of my prayerful desire, to be opened to seeing His will play out.

it's kinda like this: God planned before time that bulgaria and i would meet in the hall last night and then again this morning - and my prayer didn't change the outcome, it changed my heart. so i could recognize the hand of God moving as He had already planned.

it changes my prayer from an action of me.

to an action of God in my life.

am i crazy?

tarred [and feathered]

i'm tired. life has been pretty calm for the last couple months. hardly any stress, hardly any commitments. but now...we're getting to 'that' time of the semester, when due dates start flying by faster than a jet airplane. yay!

i think i'm so tired because i'm shifting into a new gear. like when a car shifts into a new gear. sometimes the transmission gets a little sticky. it's exciting, but kinda sticky.

tonight, i'm tired for an excellent reason, though. birth control. well, if what i mean is, i babysat SIX babies under the age of 2 tonight [luckily another lady stayed to help, and even that was tough!]. it was just for a couple hours and it was super fun. but wowsas. if that doesn't help me develop purely platonic relationships with men, i don't know what will! hah!

mmmmm. time to get on a bus and get into bed.

naps

so i've been thinking for the last few years that the worst halves of days are ones when i take a nap because 'something exciting' is going to happen later on and i need to have energy. they are the worst, because the 'something exciting' never lives up to its hype.

today, i took a long nap because i was exhausted and was kinda planning on 'something exciting' going on.

results pending.

fending off hopelessness.

a weak off

hrmmm. so, i've got a week off school, well, classes. and i have lots of goals for this week off. i want to pull through strong - like all the chicago marathoners this morning. [the whole city was excited about it. kinda neat sense of togetherness.]

i've been looking at the list of things i still need to get done this semester, and i need to finish strong. as opposed to weak. end pun.

so back to that sense of togetherness. there is a strange sense of comradery here. [is comradery a word? am i spelling it wrong? we've got some red underline going on...] everyone feels like a stranger and a neighbor at the same time. maybe all cities feel this way if lived in long enough? i wonder if this sense of togetherness will last through the winter? huh. i wonder if it's a summertime only special feeling?

there are so many gems around this city. riding the el is the best way to be exposed to new places. the trains are elevated, so it's not like a subway system. on cta trains, i get to see all sorts of old buildings, cool streets, nearby stores and on and on. some awesome discoveries, though, are literally right around the corner.

i think "my" discovery of the last few weeks is this place called noble tree. [my is in quotes because it's another josh find, passed on to moi]. if i were to open a coffee shop, it would be very similar to this one. with less 'interesting' art on the walls. books everywhere. second hand furniture. multiple stories. fantastic. i'm going to go watch the office while i have a strong internet connection ;)