a matter of preference

so i took this photo while stopping off in fresno. actually, i took a few to capture the moment. these two are slightly different. the birds aren't in the same places.

in order to truly capture the moment i ought to have taken a little video. the birds were just squawking and screeching and.

what's really interesting to me is the editing. not like there's much of a process - plug in the camera and fiddle around with random photo options. but some form of editing still.

i like the top more. i made it that way on purpose.

the bottom one is the truth. it really was a deep blue sky fading to dusk.

the top one is a lie. it's a version of what happened, rather.

i can't help but wonder
[because i'm a wonderer]
if even tiny editing choices affect us in the long term.

if i edit every photo

- add color, take it away, snuff out minor errors, and such -
does it make me increasingly prone to edit my life in such a way?

i mean, if i create a habit of editing my memories to be
exactly
how i want to remember them...
will that mindset spread to the way i look at my life in general?

maybe.

also, maybe not.

hrmmm. off to chesterton.

ps. is it strange that i made a color coded schedule for the upcoming semester?

i'm feeling Moody

some randomish photos to go with the randomish songs i'm listening to these days. enjoy. take it with a grain of salt. better make it a handful of salt.

'i could tell that you wanted to. jump in the pool. jump in the pool. i looked to you. i knew you wanted to. jump in the pool. jump in the pool.' jump in the pool, friendly fires, friendly fires.

bri and i.

'we'll leave, she said...and i don't mind leaving you without a long goodbye. maybe i won't miss you when i'm gone. but darling you know to leave your light on.' honeyhoney.

katie boo and me too.

'you still make me cry. like a song of the east. that loses its center. but always finds its way back home. oh how this bird has flown.' i'll forget you, corner of an endless road, lior.

mitchelllll.

'too too too fast. too too too fast. when i look in your eyes. too too too fast too too too fast. tell me what am i supposed to do, when i look in your eyes?' too fast, the rhumb line, ra ra riot.

'it was obviously nothing but annoying to [him], but i just wanted to reach out and touch it. i wanted to reach out and touchit and reach out and touch it, so i reached out and touched it, and [he] quick stood up and punched me in the arm.' kimmel, a girl named zippy, [37].

my cousin kyle.

'i've just seen a face. i can't forget the time or place where we just met. [he's] just the [boy] for me and i want all the world to see we've met.' i've just seen a face, the beatles.

caleb douglas urena.

'there's more to knowing Me than what meets your eyes. I am more than what you think 'theology' you get from using reason. I'm seated in your heart and know you deeply through your will and your emotions. so learn from example and love Me come what may. and then I will enter your heart and resonate.' know me, me.

christmas morning sky.

night drive. gotye.
to.
'if we sit here in silence the rain will never come...and these unspoken words are swimming in our bellies drowning [infatuation].' honeyhoney.
bah.

my eye, approximately three years ago.

ok. finally time for bed. sweet dreams.

shiny things [and people]

can be distracting.

can be beautiful.

can be enticing.

can be fun.

can be ensnaring.

can be delightful.

can be amusing.

can be inspiring.

can be irritating.

but when do things stop being shiny?

rather, what happens when things stop being shiny?

and, will i ever get tired of letting my focus be stolen?

is someone wrong just because he's shiny?

or am i wrong, because i allow myself to be infatuated too easily?

bah.

will i ever be able to love God and a man simultaneously?

can we go back to being friends after expressing romantic interest?

grrr. shiny things. grrrr shiny people. isn't life supposed to be easy? [heh]

honey do, oh ah ah, honey don't.

a line from a beatles song. being home always reminds me of dad. i like that. in fact, while riding amtrak here, my computer started flashing old photos. i have a whole album of only my dad's life. we used it in the memorial service actually. two and a half years later, it's not as jarring. it used to happen, and i'd feel totally freaked out, but now, it's much more pleasant.

so, i spent the day with children, and it was awesome. every ridiculous story i've heard about these kids is totally true. they are insane. they are up in each others' business, tattling...general ridiculousness. we sang a lot of christmas songs. we decorated gingerbread houses. we watched polar express. i feel like i made 15 new miniature human friends. mmm mini humans.

a non miniature human friend, a new friend, let me know that he might be moving away soon. this makes me sad. but it does not inhibit my desire to be totally open in the way we relate. i want to continue getting to know him and i want him to continue getting to know me. this seems like one of those opportunities to pull back and avoid being hurt, or to love freely [love in a God way, not necessarily a romantic way, no worries ;] and chance the pain. i choose chance.

speaking of hurt. one of the reasons i started writing on this blog again is because i was going through a frustrating break up slash life change. well, i feel like it's come full circle. [although i do still plan on blogging.] i got to have the most amazing, healing conversation with that exact old boyfriend. it didn't dredge up the romantic feelings. it did, though, give both of us an opportunity to ask for forgiveness for specific, deeply painful hurts. only God can offer that kind of healing.

i don't think we even really want that kind of healing until God becomes real to us. we crave it, but find ourselves ill-equipped to pursue it.

hrmmm. i think i'm done spewing thoughts for today.

one of my homes

mmmm. what is it about familiarity? about warmth? about coziness and laughter that flows like...like...something that flows sweetly and melodiously. harmoniously really.

sitting here with friends, having spent a day falling back into step, i'm utterly content. while i know life is not, in fact, about contentment i think its only right to acknowledge and appreciate a feeling of home. we're just sitting around in this room, sharing stories and memories, making plans for dinner in a few days. like we used to do. only, everything is different. not one of us is remotely who we were when we began these relationships.

even in this contentment, though, i already miss new friends. and my family. i'll see them soon, though. it's got to be okay to stay in this state of peace for a while. appreciate the moment.

off to go appreciate.

ps - i ate a very hot chili pepper today. because i was dared to. i only had to spend the next 20 minutes with a burning mouth. but i won respect...hehe.

do it.

so, the Bible is awesome, but what to we do with it?

treat it as God's actual word? as if He had spoken to us audibly?

read it and dismiss it?

pick out our favorites and leave the rest?

there's a ton of stuff in the Bible that i just don't know what to do with.

what do i do with my favorite Scriptures, taken in context - when i realize i've taken them poorly?

what do i do with the stuff that says, 'women should not speak in church'???????

i just re-read 1 corinthians. and it's so different than i remember it being. it's new.

if you're not reading whole books at a time, try it sometime and see if it makes a difference. do it. you know you wanna.

revolution.

in a completely and utterly unrelated thought. is it okay to think someone is 'devastatingly handsome' and also think dating that person may be unreasonable for a number of factors? just because someone is generally wonderful, does it mean i should make an effort to 'be' with that person? more mysteries. less profound. pretend i ended with the Bible stuff. ha.

no more fall

it's official. it's winter. there's snow. and it's cold. so cold. so, so cold. i can't decide if it's my hopeless optimism [ooooh] or a quantifiable difference - but this is different than foggy, wet, california cold. i mean, it'd just plain frigid here. but i love it. it's a manageable cold. i know that if i put the proper clothing on, it will all be fine. hrmmm. i wonder why 20 degrees feels more manageable than 50 and foggy? weird.

so, as i was walking home in the cold just the other day, i was asked directions by someone in a [warm] car! and i knew what to say. i knew how to direct her. how cool. you want to know the best part though? she had the words "psychic reader" on the side of her car! no kidding...

i can't believe it's already been a semester! time has flown by. i feel like God used my indecision about life in general to ready my heart for being here. it's hard to be away from family and friends, but i feel...hrmmm..right about being here. it felt completely foreign and unreal even 5 months ago, but now. now i feel at home here too! it doesn't diminish california home either. it was wonderful to go home to california and visit for thanksgiving. but it was breath-taking to walk up to my apartment building and see it all covered in snow. knowing that i reside there. maybe 'abide' is a good word? maybe not.

four exciting things:

1. i met my dear friend's baby over thanksgiving! and he's sooooo cute. ridiculously cute.
2. i'll be working in food service at school. preparing food and getting it out into the dining room. i'm not sure why i'm so excited to work there, but i am.
3. i'll also be working as a faculty assistant for a super awesome prof here. he's working on a commentary covering psalms and proverbs and i might even get to edit/type for him!
4. i get to sing a song at church tomorrow! so excited. pray that i don't puke or something beforehand. mmmmm. delicious. ha! eeew.