'sigh' she said...

as she donned her heavy-duty, serious as a steaming tetley cuppa, criss-cross, lace-up, snow boots for the first time this winter. crunch crunch crunching the snow beneath the weight of her [only slightly] weary soles. a sigh bereft of her beloved california. she pulled her laces tight.

as she realized that particular crunch was, indeed, the only crunch she'd be feeling for a while. papers? written. a sigh of relief. she took an airy step into the future.

as she lazed in the library, quiet with studious youth, the snow began to fall far above her head, landing on the skylight as it let in the deep blue of the evening sky. a sigh of otherworldiness. she basked in the subdued calm.

as she contemplated the course offerings of a certain dr. hurricane bearing down upon her in the spring, the feeling of anticipatory glee arose, devoid of any measure of sarcasm. a sigh of impending flurry. she readied herself in her inmost being.

as pandora informed her with surprisingly genteel diction that she could not skip any more songs this hour, including "rudolph the red-nosed reindeer" [as performed by frank sinatra]. a sigh of laziness. she begrudgingly created another new christmas station.

as she let the thought of his dark, curly hair fade from the fingertips of her dream. a sigh of forgetfulness. she forgot to forget the things she ought not crave.

as she tiredly wondered at the prospect of twelve consecutive hours filled with black-tie-on-black-shirt-on-black-pants-on-black, little boys' size 4 dress shoes [courteously bringing hors d'oeuvres forth from a basement kitchen]. a sigh of gratefulness. she recalled the thrust of colossians upon her heart.

as she realized she was almost late for the last class of her third semester of grad school...

surprise.

i am going to celebrate a friend's birth.

karaoke style.

and i thought you should know.

jump for joy

i spent a few minutes this morning having "fun."

i jumped. for joy. because jumping is fun.

perhaps this is juvenile, but i find myself needing to set aside some purposeful times for fun.

here are the fruits of my joyful labor.

socks?

camera?
timing? eh...
good.
better?

favorite.

consequently, i forgot my packed lunch on the kitchen counter. oops!

my hair!!!!!!

"What is it Jo?" asked sweet Beth. "Is it father?"

"*sob sob sob* MY HAIR *sob sob sob sob sob*" Jo.

ironically, i miss my short hair.

i know others may not consider my hair to be unmanageably long.

but i do.

i'm tired of it. will i be able to last?

let me rephrase.

how will i possibly be able to last until Christmas??

short or long. help me decide. please?

the ever that never there was

a poem. for you. but mostly for me.
to express the sadness of a like that never a love will be.

a little over dramatic? perhaps.

over the top even? you bet.

but sometimes, it pays to express.

'if ever a never there was
it’s the ever that never will be
the most painful that ever there was
and the saddest that ever could be

though never is ever the truth of the case
if ever i could should be she
i’d never wish to flee from a place
so happy as if i weren’t me'

a sudden realization

i have, in fact, only just realized that i cannot marry every man i find endearing.


or handsome.

or of great depth.

or...whatever.

simple as it is, i think i've finally realized that i just cannot marry all of them. in fact, i may marry none of them.

treasures that they are, i just need to:



i find that i'm easily in love. or at least, i have generally affectionate and love-like feelings for a great many men.

as of late, my many affections have been falling on one man.

he has no idea, please don't tell him.

but i realized today that i have no business allowing myself to rethink conversations and wonder wonder wonder if he may have meant things in a different way.

he does not return my affections. in fact, i'm fairly certain he's got some affections of his own, directed at another certain someone.



when that thought struck me, so did feelings of angst and sadness and loss. it was like that scene in my best friend's wedding when julia roberts' fake fiance says to her something like "you're chasing him. he's chasing her. but darling, who's chasing you?" needless to say, he's not chasing me. but he's a darn good friend. and i should be excited about that.

the thing is, he's not the first guy i've had feeeeeeeelings for. [surprising, no?] he's not even the first guy here in chicago i've had feeeeeeeeeelings for. like i said. i find that i'm easily in "love."

are you?

i find that i've given bits and pieces of my heart away. a long time ago i was taught by some very well-meaning individuals that i only have a set amount of heart to give away, so i need to be careful who i give it all away to. i like the intention of that warning, but as someone who has encountered the redeeming love of God through Jesus Christ, i just cannot abide by the logic of it.

while i do fight negativity and hopelessness, i also have eyes of hopeful compassion. i enjoy seeing the best in people and longing for the fullness of their growth in the knowledge of the One Truth of God's love.

funny how beautiful things are so quickly distorted by hormones. i long to see the best in those around me, including the men around me. so then, when i start seeing these beautiful pieces of who they are i think...might i be able to love him well? what about him? can i, in truth, love anyone well? will i ever love anyone well?

the thing is, that's just not where i am. and the current flow of my affections will doubtless, soon fade. even if he's not as into this [wonderful] gal.

you see, an amazing man from another time and place asked me to think about him, seriously as my one great love. and i said that i couldn't conceptualize it. and that i need to give God some time to sort out this whole "carrie and men" thing. and i meant it. honestly.

cycling trivialities, as jose gonzalez might sing. stones of rememberance, i might say...we've got to remember where we're coming from, and remember what God's already accomplished in our lives to have hope for the future.



so that's where i am. back to the start. simple as it is, i think i've finally realized that i just cannot marry all of them. in fact, i may, indeed, marry none of them.

i'm so glad for loving roommates who let me speak out the ridiculous thoughts in my head. once they're out, they lose a little power. which is nice.

writing also helps. ummm, thanks for reading.

definitely time to hit the hay.

dancing with Jesus?

it's a pretty foreign concept for me. but there are a lot of people in the world who celebrate during music worship. they sing. they shout. they cry. and they dance.

i'm baffled.

let me let you in on some contributing factors here...

1. i've been studying pentecostal theology of missions [a.k.a. missiology] according to veli-matti kärkkäinen's writings. he's fuller guy, so he's a big fan of getting various denominations together through the power of the Espiritu Santo. i pondered going there. odd really. the thought of me under his tutelage, rather than reading his work as a 'connection to theology other than evangelical writings'...

2. i've been reading about how the two-thirds nations are being flooded by charismatic and pentecostal theology. in ten years, certain folks residing in the realm of academia say that there will be more self-identifying pentecostals in the world than catholics.

3. i've been attending my neighborhood church which is much more charismatic than i'm used to.

4. i've been singing hillsong united songs for nearly a year at thursday night praise. thanks mr. pan.

5. every time i think of the word 'pentecostals' i hear the voice of a 7th grade girl shouting 'WE'RE PANTY COSTALS!!! WE'RE PANTY COSTALS!!!' this is a true historic event. i was once a jr. high girls' cabin leader. one of my girls seriously shouted that all. week. long.

it just keeps building and building and building.

pause. photo break.




so, i'm no creeper, but this photo is definitely up in my room, along with eight other significant images. they're photos that inspire me in some way. they remind me of Bible verses. so i wrote the verses out . people think it's artsy, but it's really just necessity. i need to look up, see joy, read Truth, and praise God for it. i'm a very visual person.

i'm also a great many others things. like melancholy. and quiet. and non-expressive emotionally. and vaguely uncomfortable with the idea that there are people in the world who dislike me. or, even worse, feel NEUTRALLY about me.

and now, some questions.

why do some of us sing, shout, jump, and dance with Jesus, while others want to curl up into tiny ball, plug our ears, and whisper songs to God?

why do some worship leaders say things like 'clap your hands for Christ'? or 'give a shout to God in praise'? or 'i CAN'T HEAR YOU. do you love God or DO YOU LOVE GOD?'

why am i offended by their questions? why do i take everything as a personal insult as though the worship leaders are accusing me, personally, of not giving high quality praise to God? why am i so self conscious? praise is supposed to be for God, not for my comfort. does it even matter if i'm a 'dancer' or not?

but perhaps even more crucial...do i hide behind quiet praise, so that i don't have to fear the opinions of others? and

is my praise real? or am i distracted?

hrmmmm. lots of questions, not a lot of answers.

in the mean time, while i don't have the entirety of the universe figured out, here's a small saving grace. a song of hope.





p.s. - the verse that accompanies the [literal] wall photo above is no less that ridiculously ironic, considering the post. psalm 100:1-2.

'SHOUT joyfully to the Lord all the earth.
serve the Lord with gladness.
come before Him with JOYFUL SINGING.'

as i write this letter

i send my love to you.

i can tell when i've had enough time to decompress, because writing isn't a chore. i wish i had profound things to say after all this thinking, but i'm not convinced i have anything beyond observations of the world through these eyes.

i've been thinking about how many people blog. and how many people don't. and how many people journal. and how many people there are. period. i was staring at this elderly man on the bus today. hopefully i didn't scare him. but i was staring. under his black beanie, hidden inside his plaid shirt and warm coat, tucked into his lace up tennies...a life. his life. a whole, entire life. every once and a while i realize that the number of things i think, the number of people i know, the number of pains and loves i've gone through...multiply that times every person that exists. multiply that times the number of people who have ever ever ever existed. i can't even imagine. i try to explain this to others, but they don't get the novelty of it. but it's amazing to me. allllllll these people in the world are living lives different than mine, seeing life through their eyes, not mine.

on a less global note, i saw hanson last night. speaking more specifically, i saw josh jeter play at the house of blues last night. it was a joy. to see him up on stage, just loving every second of it. playing bass, singing oooooohs, and shaking the the most impressive shaker i've ever seen. no shaker eggs for sherwood. nothing but the best. beyond belief. well, not quite i guess.

like a persian boyband full of a vast array of angst like feelings, steel train took the stage. enjoyable, but then i read a couple biographies. tragic! the lead singer wrote most of the album working through depression based on two family deaths and the end of a relationship. super sad. sadder, though, that their music is catchy enough that it's easy to gloss over the depth that sneakily floats below the surface. who knew? not i. not i.

beatlemania. i knew there was a reason i like hellogoodbye. the main guy grew up in the deserts and on the beaches of southern california listening to the beatles and the beachboys. hence, the poppy sounds that suck us in. like a spinning vortex of doom...suddenly i was watching not just part one, but parts two, three, four, AND five of a interview with the new band. most questions were addressed to the main guy, forrest maybe? but one striking thing is that travis [the bass guy amongst other misc. instrumentation] was meek and mild. the travis i saw on stage last night was an outgoing partyboy flirting with the entire crowd at once [not quite sure how he made that happen]. why the change? she wonders quietly sitting in her familiar hallway down by joes. love it. ps...josh, please talk to travis, he was clearly flipply-handing you from stage.

on to hanson...they still have a beautiful harmony. just because of their devoted fan base of screaming 20 something women folk, they played mmmbop. the crowd went wilder than wild. screaming, jumping, singing along...virtual, no, literal insanity. 1 and a half hours, really, of insanity. i way should have been hanging out at the merchandise table. like the other groupies.

of all the important things i could think to write about, i've chosen to write about my first trip to the house of blues to see four pop boy band esque combos and a dear pal.

sherwood, please don't take offense at being called poppy or boy band esque.

hellogoodbye, i wonder if you actually search twitter and blog posts...kinda creepy. kinda nice.

what's new in the news?

here i am, once again. typing my time away. let me set the scene.

vanilla tea in hand, currently laying on the loveseat on the third floor of noble tree. legs up. feet up. listening to osaka loop line. on loop. [ironic, no?] keeping a wary eye on a certain friend's bag as he says his last goodbyes before the Big Move. four tabs open in mozilla: dscvry, facebook, blogger, and the porterville recorder archives.

recently, an old friend was in an accident of some kind. we just know that he had surgery and miraculously has feeling in his legs, but will have to learn to walk. ok i lied. not just an old friend. someone i dated. horrendous, really, to hear just a bit of that story. wondering, wondering wondering what happened.

so i did what every tech-ish gal with too much free time would do...i searched the local papers' online archives. unfortunately, there is no mention of a devastating accident involving said dated-person. what i have found are the following headlines. true to a small town mentality...

[admittedly, only the utterly inane listed]

man report 45 bails of hay stolen from exeter site
stick fight in porterville ends in three arrests
pets also affected by heat
man reportedly shoots own hand

aaaaaaand my personal favorite:

machete-wielding man jailed after alleged threats over litter

----
in another world thousands of miles away. here i am, readying myself for a new semester and a new neighborhood.
----

the here is now

first, a book quote from the beloved, but depressing, anna karenina. especially for bri. you'll get it when you get to the end.

'as he drew nearer, the peasants - following each other in a long straggling line, some with coats on, some in their shirt, each swinging his scythe in his own manner - gradually came into sight. he counted forty-two of them.'


second, a Fancy Pants experience.

it was a normal night. i was dressed in a crisp black shirt with a black satin tie. a long black apron covering the worst black work pants i've ever owned. my size 4, boys, dress shoes faithfully fulfilled their job description - carrying me to and from the on site kitchen filling client requests. chefs ever so pleasantly telling me how to position the asparagus as i worried about wine-ing and water-ing my table.

out i flew to cover some forgotten tables, smile bigger than ever, hoping to make up for the mishap. no wine glass should ever go empty. it's the Fancy Pants way.

'can i pour you some red or white wine sir?' making bright eye contact with one of the 60 million dollar men in the room. [literally]

'why yes, how about some red.'

big smile as i pour what i hope is the proper amount. 'i hope you enjoy it.'

'now, where are you from?' asks 60 million dollar man.

'oh, i'm not from around here.' uh oh...how am i going to get to the rest of the table.

'where's home then?'

'california actually.' wondering how to politely end the conversation so i pour drinks for others at the table.

'oh wow. what drew you out here?'

'school. i came out for graduate studies and fell in love with the city.'

'well isn't that great. what school are you studying at?'

'have you heard of moody bible institute?'

' yes i have. it's a wonderful school. they do a lot for this community what are you studying there?'

'well, it sounds really amgiguous, but spiritual formation and discipleship. basically looking at the questions of "how do we make decisions about who God is? and how do we help each other grow in that understanding?'

'hrmmm. and what on earth would you do with a degree like that? a worthy subject though. worthy.'

'well, i think i'd love to open a coffee shop. a place where people can sit and talk and get to know each other. i really love listening to people's life stories.'

'dear, i wish you much luck. that's a beautiful thing dear. beautiful. i say that often but i don't always mean it. and i mean it, i wish you success.'

'wow. thank you so much, sir, that's very kind of you. i hope you enjoy your evening! so often i'm just a the black shirt and tie in the background, but thank you for asking me questions.'

'you're so much more than a shirt and tie. and you have an exquisite smile darling. have a good night.'


it's odd how being respected, or at least, treated well by a stranger in an unanticipated way can mean so much.


third. am sitting at a coffee shop. longing for the somewhat stuffed away memories of pulling shots and helping people pick the perfect drink.

thanks barista. i mean micah. from ohio.

speak no orchids of evil.

so, i worked a wedding with Fancy Pants Catering. servers at the ready in black bistro [like always]. bride, overjoyed, in thousands of silky white. groom, dancing in shiny shoes. bridesmaids, giddily drunk, in black with ribbon-tied flip flops. guests, happy in an array of white wine and beer dribbled ensembles.

i made fast friends with the grandmother of the bride, as she scoured the back hallway for thick brown coffee at about 20 minutes to midnight.

they had beautiful orchids at this wedding. everywhere. beautiful orchids, everywhere. with the mixed scents of a cabernet sauvignon and dark roast coffee wafting near ears, my new friend whispered to me that the servers should take them home at the end of the night.

'we're just going to throw them away anyway, dear. you should all take them home. just cut the tips off.'

so we did.


so those are the orchids. and here's the speak no evil.

i recently had a discussion with a friend that has left me wondering:

when, why, where, to whom, and how - most importantly how - do i speak of my faith?

how do i speak of something that is a part of every fiber of my being?

how do i communicate well, my passion for things written in the Bible without sounding 'religious?'

my fear is that i will fall silent, for timidity or indecision.

my tendency is to do so.

but where does that leave me? i still need to face the opinion of others. of how they think of my faith and understand me.

do they understand me?

how much is lost in the translation from expressing my faith naturally to expressing my faith so others will not reject it simply on the basis of my language?



that's all really. orchids and communicating.

guten tag

you're an ooooooom-lout. you're not a lout. i'm sure you're a very nice person.

so i'm learning traveler's german. for no particular reason ;) i'd also be learning english for no particular reason, but i already know it! free podcasts are the coolest thing ever. i've got 100 single phrase lessons that i can listen to just as many times as i want. love it! i'm so excited about this trip.

you know, besides the random rain this summer, i think that chicago is one of the nicest summer cities ever. a lovely friend loaned me her boke, and that's seriously all i need to have fun. free fun is EVERYWHERE. concerts in the park. the "beach" no more than 10 minutes away. parks galore. amazing. i wish i could just bring all the people i love here. that would be a lot of plane tickets. and floor space.

so, in all this communitas business, i've realized that i pay a lot for rent. BUT i now see why people love this neighborhood and will pay more to live here. it is incredibly convenient in the scheme of things. it will be worth the "compromise" though, to live with others. fewer restaurants, but more people to adore.

mmmm. i think i'm off to one of those free, beachy places.

adios. or....auf wiedersehen!

communitas. less drain. more gain.

hi all. well, all, 5 of you ;)

so, my brain is a little tired right now. i just composed 23 personalized letters trying to figure out who is interested in this housing initiative moody's got going.

Communitas is a housing initiative that hopes to:

1. get moody grads to live together off campus and out of dorm-like settings

2. provide those students with affordable housing with other grads

3. work out covenants for each house to deal with common problems before they arise (cleaning, public food, visitors, etc.)

4. help students integrate their class studies through real, purposeful life ministry in the community where they have chosen to live (most likely by connecting with current outreaches in the community)

i'm really really excited about it. but it's been a lot of work. worth the effort, but it's just turning out to be more hope and heart investment than i thought. if it comes to fruition, i'll be happier than i was as an 8 year old at my little mermaid birthday party.

i think that happened when i was 8. oh man, was that a fun party. i remember pinning the tail on ariel. and i think that year my dad did a walking handstand across the monkey bars we had in the back yard. i was so proud. still am i think.

on a nice note, the God, people, text, beauty idea is working out well. currently investing peter drucker's the effective executive. hoping to hear something new about efficiency and running things. not that i've anything to run. haha.

beauty lately has been a nearby park. in fact, just yesterday i sat at the park down by the shore and journaled. and it was wonderful.

i think i'm going to go look at photos from my family's visit. yay!! slow mail, but it eventually gets here ;)

a bit of this and a bit of that.

so, to those that know me, it's no real surprise that i don't do well with large amounts of free time. i get depressed. it's a family thing, i think. or maybe it's just a humanity thing. either way, it happens. i get stuck in the empty moment. i get stuck in this feeling of "yech, how do i fill up this empty, empty moment??"

i stayed in chicago this summer to be able to work and earn money. so far that's not going especially well. although i did finally hear from my catering boss (yay!! thanks for the prayers). i've got like, 15 shifts scheduled...all after july 10. so, i'm still facing a lot of empty time. even then it'll only be two shifts a week or so. grateful for what i've got though. nice money for pleasant work.

anyway, so in the emptiness of the days until i find another part time job (or magically conjure up more catering jobs) i've got a bit of a plan. yep, you guessed it. it involves a bit of this and a bit of that.

the most meaningful things to me, the ones that keep me fully engaged in life and able to deal with the tough stuff, are God, people, books, and beautiful things (generally found in nature). so my goal is to interact with a little of each every day. not trying to become a legalist here, just wanting to stay sane in my small, but wonderful, apartment in humid, but lovely, chicago.

lately i've been getting a pretty strong message from God...that i need to rest in Him. that the real glory of Christ isn't 'becoming a better Christian' - it's the fact that i get to encounter God. i re-read an assigned book from last year, try it out if you want. it really helps me reorient. remembering that knowing God is central and "stopping sinning" isn't helps me read Scripture in a really different way. love it.

today i talk with a dear friend in california for two hours. literally. lucky we're on the same phone plan! free mobile to mobile. yay. talks like that are deeply refreshing. like getting to talk to my mom.

today's beauty was reading on the beach and stopping by the lily pond on the way back home. definitely worth the energy to change into my suit, walk to the shore, and read.

sorry it's been a month again. sheesh. what's wrong with me?? hope you're doing well.

10 things i did today

10. learned about australia.
9. ran with children back and forth across australia.
8. laughed like a kookaburra.
7. asked nina how to spell kookaburra.
6. sat on a couch with her australian friend/laptop twin.
5. cooked garlic chicken.
4. read stories that children wrote.
3. sun bathed.
2. read the remainder of peter pan.
1. began getting even more excited about the turlock bbq.

as you can see, most of my day revolved around australia. which was exciting.

nighty nite. sleep tight. don't let the bed bugs bite. and sweet dreams of sour pickles.

the portervilleian chronicles

there once was a girl who grew up in sunny california. there was never snow on the ground, and the only ice was either high up in the mountains of the sierra nevada or else in her freezer. all was well with the world and often one could find her following around her bigger, more intelligent brother, christopher robin. he could do everything in life better, faster, and in a manner of much more creative fun. they played many games together like 'put clean underwear on their heads and run around the house' or 'war of the universal invasion: g.i. joe versus barbieopolis'. they rarely competed against one another, preferring to double their efforts by playing on the same team. a great many adventures were had in the california sun.

many other things happened in her life.

eventually she moved to the grande babylon...chicago, hoping to meet God in books and the eyes of homeless people. there, it snowed day after day after blustery day. she worked in the basement of a large, brick building during the harsh winter serving mash to young people she could hardly comprehend. at the end of her long days she would put on her vest and she would put on her coat and she would put on her boots [tying up the laces all the way to the tip top]. she would wonder to herself why she cried so often and felt so numb, as she put a hat upon her head readying herself to trudge home in the snow. she missed the underwear adventure days. alas. nothing was to be done, largely because there was no sun. and so she kept on keeping along.

then one day, the sun came out. and it was almost hot in her new place. warmpth and exuberance filled her heart to the tips of her fingers and toes. she felt like dancing. she felt like singing. she felt like going home.

and so she did.

and here she is.

in the california sun. well, not right at the moment, because night has fallen.

but she DID swim in the pool today. and will most certainly be searching out adventures with the aforementioned brother in the days to come.

---
in some small way, inspired by the narrations of queen estherachel the great.
---

bon noche.

terminada

almost. just one more project.

basically done with another semester. it's a weird feeling to be finished with a semester so busy, so...tiring. i don't want to rush this time at school, it's too precious. it's a rich experience. so then, in my busy-ness, what has happened?

i've started 'doing music' with a guy from church. pretty interesting. we have really different tastes and incredibly different natural rhythms, but it's a fun collaboration.

i've been the assistant to one of the faculty here, the amazing dr. j. he and his wife april are both just phenomenal. not perfect, by any means, but i feel totally blessed to be in the midst of their lives. in being his assistant, i get the family too - so that's a nice bonus. they all had me over for two days in the height of the busy season. a much needed break.

i've been watching the graduate school's soccer team. every game in fact. we made signs. nina made them beautiful. at the end of the last game, which they WON, they gave me a championship t-shirt and it was delightfully wonderful. as are they. and the other fans.

i've been wearing a very large hat that says "food service" on it. which has been thrilling. okay, maybe not, but i have gotten free school food all semester for working in the student dining room. i can't even guess how many times i've scrubbed icky milk yuck off of the milk machines. mmm. icky milk yuck.

i've discovered that i think i'm one of those 'depressed in the winter' people. when the sun came back and the ice went away, i felt like a new person. i felt alive again. like ice was melting off of...my soul. mmm, emo.

the only man i'm interested in is claiming 'single for the kingdom' and i want to respect it. i respect him, so i think i need to respect his decision as practically as i can on a daily basis. i see him often. this is difficult. pray for me :D

i'm looking forward to the summer. it's going to be wonderful. miss you. can't wait to see you.

a blast of cold

...sucks the air out my lungs.

...absolutely stuns. worse than jumping into a cold pool on a hot day.

...shocks me back to the reality of deadlines and due dates and such.

it's not a mixed blessing to be in chicago. it's a pure blessing. pure blessings, though, aren't made up of mushy gooey happy feelings. pure blessings are gifts from God. so, being in chicago is a pure blessing.

thanks mom.

it's exciting and troubling to delve back into theology books. to grapple with the Bible itself. face to face with the Word of God.

i'm so excited about this semester. [did i mention tired, too?]
i'm excited about reading the entire old testament.
i'm excited about reading the gospels.
i'm excited about asking questions of the text, of God, and of His followers.

last semester had hardly any structure. this semester is full to the brim. i did it again. i "got busy" again. but...this seems different. i'm very excited about all the things i'm busy with.

the only terribly frustrating detail is that i wish i had more time to phone Home.

hrmmm. off i go, i think, to experience some of the excited fullness of this semester - working for the [in]famous dr. j.

ch ch ch changes.

so this is me when i realized that my wedding count is up to 5. i know others have been in just as many or many more, but even 5 freaks me out. as always...i wonder why.

why is it strange to me? my dearest friends are all of marrying age. oh, that's right. i am also of marrying age. i definitely don't looooonnnnggg to be married or anything. maybe that's what every bridesmaid says? i think i'm being honest with myself. it seems to be the event that knocks my common sense out of commission, not the ceremony.

the months of preparation, the mutual stress, the schedules, the dresses, the shoes, the make up, the flowers, the manicures, the pedicures, the blah. blah. blah.

can i still love the people and be vaguely terrified by the event itself? i do enjoy the ceremony, getting to be an up front witness and all that. the whole, committing of lives thing. it's beautiful. oye vey. what am i complaining about? people i love, love me back, and want me to be near them when they proclaim one of the most important things they'll ever proclaim. that's beautiful.

i wonder what my wedding will be like. when or if i have one. i've never spent hours dreaming about it. that's always made me feel a little...hrmmm...guilty? if i can say that? am i less of a woman? ay ay ay. i thought teenage angst was bad! heh. it'll be what it'll be. and as long as God is at the center of the union and the visual representation of that union - i'm content.

listen to me, thinking about my wedding. it goes against everything i stand for. [hahaha]. i'm off to go cook or clean or something feminine.