i have, in fact, only just realized that i cannot marry every man i find endearing.
or handsome.
or of great depth.
or...whatever.
simple as it is, i think i've finally realized that i just cannot marry all of them. in fact, i may marry none of them.
treasures that they are, i just need to:
i find that i'm easily in love. or at least, i have generally affectionate and love-like feelings for a great many men.
as of late, my many affections have been falling on one man.
he has no idea, please don't tell him.
but i realized today that i have no business allowing myself to rethink conversations and wonder wonder wonder if he may have meant things in a different way.
he does not return my affections. in fact, i'm fairly certain he's got some affections of his own, directed at another certain someone.
when that thought struck me, so did feelings of angst and sadness and loss. it was like that scene in my best friend's wedding when julia roberts' fake fiance says to her something like "you're chasing him. he's chasing her. but darling, who's chasing you?" needless to say, he's not chasing me. but he's a darn good friend. and i should be excited about that.
the thing is, he's not the first guy i've had feeeeeeeelings for. [surprising, no?] he's not even the first guy here in chicago i've had feeeeeeeeeelings for. like i said. i find that i'm easily in "love."
are you?
i find that i've given bits and pieces of my heart away. a long time ago i was taught by some very well-meaning individuals that i only have a set amount of heart to give away, so i need to be careful who i give it all away to. i like the intention of that warning, but as someone who has encountered the redeeming love of God through Jesus Christ, i just cannot abide by the logic of it.
while i do fight negativity and hopelessness, i also have eyes of hopeful compassion. i enjoy seeing the best in people and longing for the fullness of their growth in the knowledge of the One Truth of God's love.
funny how beautiful things are so quickly distorted by hormones. i long to see the best in those around me, including the men around me. so then, when i start seeing these beautiful pieces of who they are i think...might i be able to love him well? what about him? can i, in truth, love anyone well? will i ever love anyone well?
the thing is, that's just not where i am. and the current flow of my affections will doubtless, soon fade. even if he's not as into this [wonderful] gal.
you see, an amazing man from another time and place asked me to think about him, seriously as my one great love. and i said that i couldn't conceptualize it. and that i need to give God some time to sort out this whole "carrie and men" thing. and i meant it. honestly.
cycling trivialities, as jose gonzalez might sing. stones of rememberance, i might say...we've got to remember where we're coming from, and remember what God's already accomplished in our lives to have hope for the future.
so that's where i am. back to the start. simple as it is, i think i've finally realized that i just cannot marry all of them. in fact, i may, indeed, marry none of them.
i'm so glad for loving roommates who let me speak out the ridiculous thoughts in my head. once they're out, they lose a little power. which is nice.
it's a pretty foreign concept for me. but there are a lot of people in the world who celebrate during music worship. they sing. they shout. they cry. and they dance.
i'm baffled.
let me let you in on some contributing factors here...
1. i've been studying pentecostal theology of missions [a.k.a. missiology] according to veli-matti kärkkäinen's writings. he's fuller guy, so he's a big fan of getting various denominations together through the power of the Espiritu Santo. i pondered going there. odd really. the thought of me under his tutelage, rather than reading his work as a 'connection to theology other than evangelical writings'...
2. i've been reading about how the two-thirds nations are being flooded by charismatic and pentecostal theology. in ten years, certain folks residing in the realm of academia say that there will be more self-identifying pentecostals in the world than catholics.
3. i've been attending my neighborhood church which is much more charismatic than i'm used to.
4. i've been singing hillsong united songs for nearly a year at thursday night praise. thanks mr. pan.
5. every time i think of the word 'pentecostals' i hear the voice of a 7th grade girl shouting 'WE'RE PANTY COSTALS!!! WE'RE PANTY COSTALS!!!' this is a true historic event. i was once a jr. high girls' cabin leader. one of my girls seriously shouted that all. week. long.
it just keeps building and building and building.
pause. photo break.
so, i'm no creeper, but this photo is definitely up in my room, along with eight other significant images. they're photos that inspire me in some way. they remind me of Bible verses. so i wrote the verses out . people think it's artsy, but it's really just necessity. i need to look up, see joy, read Truth, and praise God for it. i'm a very visual person.
i'm also a great many others things. like melancholy. and quiet. and non-expressive emotionally. and vaguely uncomfortable with the idea that there are people in the world who dislike me. or, even worse, feel NEUTRALLY about me.
and now, some questions.
why do some of us sing, shout, jump, and dance with Jesus, while others want to curl up into tiny ball, plug our ears, and whisper songs to God?
why do some worship leaders say things like 'clap your hands for Christ'? or 'give a shout to God in praise'? or 'i CAN'T HEAR YOU. do you love God or DO YOU LOVE GOD?'
why am i offended by their questions? why do i take everything as a personal insult as though the worship leaders are accusing me, personally, of not giving high quality praise to God? why am i so self conscious? praise is supposed to be for God, not for my comfort. does it even matter if i'm a 'dancer' or not?
but perhaps even more crucial...do i hide behind quiet praise, so that i don't have to fear the opinions of others? and
is my praise real? or am i distracted?
hrmmmm. lots of questions, not a lot of answers.
in the mean time, while i don't have the entirety of the universe figured out, here's a small saving grace. a song of hope.
p.s. - the verse that accompanies the [literal] wall photo above is no less that ridiculously ironic, considering the post. psalm 100:1-2.
'SHOUT joyfully to the Lord all the earth. serve the Lord with gladness. come before Him with JOYFUL SINGING.'
i can tell when i've had enough time to decompress, because writing isn't a chore. i wish i had profound things to say after all this thinking, but i'm not convinced i have anything beyond observations of the world through these eyes.
i've been thinking about how many people blog. and how many people don't. and how many people journal. and how many people there are. period. i was staring at this elderly man on the bus today. hopefully i didn't scare him. but i was staring. under his black beanie, hidden inside his plaid shirt and warm coat, tucked into his lace up tennies...a life. his life. a whole, entire life. every once and a while i realize that the number of things i think, the number of people i know, the number of pains and loves i've gone through...multiply that times every person that exists. multiply that times the number of people who have ever ever ever existed. i can't even imagine. i try to explain this to others, but they don't get the novelty of it. but it's amazing to me. allllllll these people in the world are living lives different than mine, seeing life through their eyes, not mine.
on a less global note, i saw hanson last night. speaking more specifically, i saw josh jeter play at the house of blues last night. it was a joy. to see him up on stage, just loving every second of it. playing bass, singing oooooohs, and shaking the the most impressive shaker i've ever seen. no shaker eggs for sherwood. nothing but the best. beyond belief. well, not quite i guess.
like a persian boyband full of a vast array of angst like feelings, steel train took the stage. enjoyable, but then i read a couple biographies. tragic! the lead singer wrote most of the album working through depression based on two family deaths and the end of a relationship. super sad. sadder, though, that their music is catchy enough that it's easy to gloss over the depth that sneakily floats below the surface. who knew? not i. not i.
beatlemania. i knew there was a reason i like hellogoodbye. the main guy grew up in the deserts and on the beaches of southern california listening to the beatles and the beachboys. hence, the poppy sounds that suck us in. like a spinning vortex of doom...suddenly i was watching not just part one, but parts two, three, four, AND five of a interview with the new band. most questions were addressed to the main guy, forrest maybe? but one striking thing is that travis [the bass guy amongst other misc. instrumentation] was meek and mild. the travis i saw on stage last night was an outgoing partyboy flirting with the entire crowd at once [not quite sure how he made that happen]. why the change? she wonders quietly sitting in her familiar hallway down by joes. love it. ps...josh, please talk to travis, he was clearly flipply-handing you from stage.
on to hanson...they still have a beautiful harmony. just because of their devoted fan base of screaming 20 something women folk, they played mmmbop. the crowd went wilder than wild. screaming, jumping, singing along...virtual, no, literal insanity. 1 and a half hours, really, of insanity. i way should have been hanging out at the merchandise table. like the other groupies.
of all the important things i could think to write about, i've chosen to write about my first trip to the house of blues to see four pop boy band esque combos and a dear pal.
sherwood, please don't take offense at being called poppy or boy band esque.
hellogoodbye, i wonder if you actually search twitter and blog posts...kinda creepy. kinda nice.
